⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆ chest pains

there is violence ground into the essence of my very being

it doesn't matter if my anscestors specifically didn't do it, it's their fault. there's a reason my family lost our culture in less than two generations. there's a reason i will never be black enough, never feel mixed enough, never be Indigenous enough

i was born with blood on my hands

i was given an identity dependent on violence and racism and the abuse of anyone "lesser" than me. the culture that I am "allowed" to be a part of is one I can't be in

and no matter how angry i am about it, no matter how much distance i want to put between It and myself, i never will

because all it has is anger

i feed it and i hate myself and it eats and it eats and it eats

the pain of genocides over hundreds of years are ground into my bones, and it's my own family's hands doing the grinding

im terrified i'll never be free of this; of the deep dark pitch in my stomach

in another life i grew up blessed by sun with my mom doing my hair every weekend

in another life i don't have to teach myself to dance and know how to speak at least some of a dying language

in another life, i am exactly the same, but i had something other than hatred to build the foundation of my identity on 

i wouldn't trade being mixed for the world, i love being who i am and i love how rich and beautiful my ancestry is. but i would do anything to make this ache go away