Just...Do What You Want?

Okay, so today I had a small win that I think is playing a bigger role in my life. As an introvert (INTP) who was always a bit torn about who I am and who I should be or wish I was, being more true to myself has been turning my life on its head. I believe I have always been authentic in trying different things because I hoped they would make me feel good, or help me discover more about myself. My true issue came from the fact that I was trying to stifle another part of myself. I realized that stifling didn't actually come from others. My mother -- even with her faults -- was really understanding about me finding myself through my adolescence, and has been pretty supportive of me as an adult. She was one of those parents who really did just want her kids to be happy. So when I bought different styles of clothes she had her say but ultimately left it to me. Now sure I had some internalized unhealthy views of what was feminine and what wasn't which I had to heal before I could TOUCH the color pink again, but I got here. I realized that the stifling really was coming from me. (Um, the call is coming from inside the house much?)

Now I feel more comfortable in myself than ever. Even when people look at me (which literally look away omg) I actually don't mind it. I feel like they'e taking in someone cool and authentic because I feel like that's exactly what I am being. And even if they don't like it, I can't really care because there's nothing else for me to do. I've tried everything else, and for once I am having fun. I don't feel like I am trying to show anything more than I am. I'm not wearing a costume. Don't get me wrong, I love fashion and I really enjoyed learning how different looks are composed. I also now have a pretty solid professional wardrobe for if I end up in an office or corporate environment again. But I feel excited, confident, and as an introvert, I can get as much help in that department as possible.

ANYWAY, about today. I am at heart, a baby sister. My older sister and I are super close friends, she's my best friend, my confidant and the person I feel like I can tell anything in the world to. Now, she's still my big sister, and a Leo/Wood Tiger which can make it hard to make her do anything she doesn't want to. I know she already swallows a lot of that so I try not to add to her plate. Since she is the driver between us (I'M WORKING ON IT OKAY) I often just make the most of tagging along with her, on whatever it is she's doing. But recently, it's just been hard for me. I've lost a huge amount of my income and so it's been harder to spend money and get around. Just generally being more careful about what, where and why I spend my money. For about ten days, I have been salivating over the idea of returning to this used record shop that carries a really cool selection of cds. I haven't got new ones since...around October. And since I am still growing my collection, I actually don't have any of my pop-punk, metal or ska on cd. So I was really hoping to get there and spend about twenty USD on new-to-me cds. 

My sister was pretty immovable about going into the shopping complex it's in, so I decided to take the ten minute walk, and just...go. Usually I'd let it go and just wait for the next convenient opportunity, but it's that same passivity that I've always kind of played tug of war with in my life. So I decided that it was perfect time to just do. I know that for many this may seem basic, but I am genuinely a quiet and kind-of submissive person when it comes to larger personalities. I also really avoid being rude, and don't like upsetting people. I had never popped off during my sister and I hanging out, so I didn't know how she'd react, but decided I wanted to replace my silver jewelry (RIP my missing hoops) and check out the cds. It's something I've been meaning to do for days and it was just time to do it. And honestly I was so glad I did. I ended up being able to find a Joan Jett and the Black Hearts cd in the wild FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER. I also got the soundtrack for the move "Empire Records" which is a favorite from when I was maybe 15. I was also able to score a deal that got me a rad bracelet, set of rings and new hoops all in silver for the price of one! I just felt like such a reflection on how sometimes you just have to prioritize yourself, what you want and what you need.

It wasn't ground breaking. I walked ten minutes, bought a few things I've been wanting and didn't break the bank to do so. But for me, and the context of my life it actually meant a lot. I am someone who would consistently let things go, boil things down to being no big deal, or just swallowing what made me feel bad. Passive life choices. I didn't realize how powerless I felt in my day-to-day life. Small moments like this are all interconnected to this whole internal journey I've been on. Maybe I don't have the right words for it right now because I'm still in the thick of it. But in my previous blog about algorithms I mentioned feeling like I have my brain back, and it feels so true. I know I've been connecting with myself more because I am cutting out all the other noise. I'm losing that sense of passivity that has kind of dragged around on me since I was a teenager. So today kids, I think the moral of the story really is to just...do what you want. Do what feels good. And as the Wiccans often say -- if ye harm none, do what ye will.

xoxo, SunnyAngelBaby