1/16/26 - What else could I be but a Jester?

Song of the day: Vesti La Giubba

Starting my day off right with some self reflection.

Got piss drunk last night and woke up at 8 am. Doomscrolled for 2 hours. Now I'm here.

Sometimes it feels like no one truly understands what it means to be a loser, you know? What it's like to actually be dealt the most unlucky hand in life and still try to play your cards correctly. I was born into a shitty home with barely any income. Physically absent addict dad, emotionally absent abusive mom. Not even gonna start on the step-parents I had... eugh. Bullied at home, school, and church. Hideously grotesque face and body. Imagine Abby Mallard from chicken little but if she was a guy and someone stretched her longways. Big head, lanky body, buck teeth (that's the most important part), weirdly large buggy eyes. Eeeyuck.

So socially inept I have yet to make friends on a site with the tagline "a space for friends". Lol. It's funny as hell. I genuinely don't mind though. I'm bad at making friends and keeping them. I feel weird making friends tbh. I don't know how to talk to people. "Hey how's it going?" Ew. I came, I saw, I made it *very* awkward. I made a few friends in middle school and those are the only ones I have to this day. Besides my sister. She's my bffl because she can never escape me. Too strong of a trauma bond.

So why do I have to be an ugly autistic chud? That's just who I am. I can't do anything about it, so wishing I was someone else is going to get me nowhere. Been there done that years ago. I'm glad I have the people I do. They mean a lot to me. Especially my boyfriend, soon to be fiancé... hopefully. He said something about putting a ring on my finger last night so hehe yay. My life is comically bad on paper, but in experience it's pretty great. I'm ugly and awkward because it builds character. I'm glad I'm me and I'm glad there are people willing to look past my horrible appearance to get to the nice gummy inside. Like a rambutan! Being a chud isn't all that bad if you look at it the right way. 

Anyways, this sounds too much like a pity party, which is the exact opposite of what I want it to be. I'm just a bear dancing on a ball, nothing more. Look at my words and laugh. "Ridi del duol, che t'avvelena il cor." As they say.

cya

crog