I miss you so much but I know you'll never come back (TW:suicide)

it was 11 years ago that you killed yourself, but it hurts more and more ever year.

I know I shouldn't suffer from survival guilt but I can't help it.

you were the first person ever I came out to as trans and that took it positively.

With you I could be myself, and I tried my best to make you laugh, make you smile when you were crashing down.

I sometimes think that I should have done things differently. Maybe have written you one last "it'll be okay" note before going to sleep.

not "good night".

How hard is it not to be okay, when the world around you feels like it's crashing down.
How hard is it not to smile, when it feels like there's nothing to smile about.