1/15/26

don’t even really know what to say about today BUT was fun. I woke up at like 3 am today, was mean to my mom :( which I feel bad about now, but it was also 3 am and she did NOT knock. still feel bad. lowk a horrible offspring type shit 

ANYWAY! me and nic (nick? still unclear which he prefers) called and played overwatch, MY STUPID WIFI KEPT GOING OUT EVERY 5 SECONDS ugh but it’s fineee honestly I don’t know how nic wasn’t mad at me, kinda crazy

Speaking of nic being mad at me though, we talked about when he yelled at me, he apologized. He says he was too drunk to remember anything anddd that someone else also blocked him after that night, so I don’t know what happened there and he doesn’t know either but erm.

he apologized, sooo we’re good, but we’re definitely not making the same mistake of talking to him while he’s drunk, ok? yes ok cool.

but yeah idek why I brought it up, glad I did though even if it made me really upset at the time.

like lowkey after we talked about it we started watching music videos and he asked if I was mad at him because my responses were short (I was js tryna eat my leftovers from last night lil bro) and heee kinda got that same tone from when he yelled at me and I lowkey just started tearing up right there LOL like genuinely.

I guess I just cry really easily when it feels like I’m about to be yelled at. hmmm who could’ve guessed certainly not my mom who yelled at me nonstop when I was a kid hmmm hmm I wonder. me personally I think yelling at kids is morally not cool, but you do you, mom. 

anyway so, the rest of the call was fine I guess, but sometimes it kind of feels like I’m walking on eggshells around nic, especially when he kinda gets sloppy with his words. so basically when he gets drunk but. you know. honestly he does get kinda scary when he calls me and he’s drunk, like holy shit that’s a whole grown man

I meann, when he’s sober, he’s still a grown man and he’s a lot better to be around, but like when he’s drunk you can FEEL it, it’s weird and I don’t know how to describe it. I don’t know. He just acts different, because duh, alcohol makes you act differently! I still love him anyway though. I don’t know why.

When he was apologizing for yelling at me though, he said “I don’t remember it, so it doesn’t matter to me, but clearly it matters to you,” anddd that was some interesting phrasing on his part. I get what he meant but like, it doesn’t matter to you?? because you don’t remember it??? no I get it my emotions don’t matter to you I get it I get it don’t even worry about it bro. fml

anyway back to the bit about walking on eggshells, I guess it’s just because he DOES NOT like any jokes that sound kinda mean, which is basically the entirety of my humor so it’s like. damn I really can’t be funny rn. But it’s fine. I mean not really but what am I gonna fucking do about it??

It’s not even that I have to joke about other stuff it’s just that I slip up sometimes and he gets all quiet and mean and it makes me feel bad but at the same time, really really annoyed at him. Maybe annoyed isn’t the right word. Maybe more like fear. I can’t describe it