Life is sucking really hard right now

I smoke to get the taste out of my mouth, I cut my hair to cut off the weight of the memories, I’ll dye my hair again to color my perspective a new. The numbness taking over my body will soon spread to my brain and all I’ll be able to think about is my shame and how I should cause myself pain, but in a sorta Righteous self punishment way because God didn’t do it right…