I Realized Algorithms Take Away Your Control

I think I have a pretty biased, agreeing audience as we have all taken to SpaceHey as a chance to engage with a different type of internet. One full of authenticity, and connection. In my personal life I have shifted from Spotify and YouTube Music Premium to cds and hopefully soon, cassette, and even have a small DVD collection I am growing. I've switched to physical manga rather than online reading, and even returned to hand-writing my d&d campaigns rather than typing them. Even small actions like turning off 'recommended posts' on Reddit made my feed more focused to what I actually want to see and care about (its all pretty much lesbian, physical media, and fan subreddits now tbh). If you read my post "The 411 of SunnyAngelBaby" you will have seen how I talk about growing up in the dark ages because my mom wouldn't waste money on tech; how I went from a track phone to an iPhone 4 within days. But as I was looking back on that time in my life, I realized more changed than the phone.

At the same time I was passed down an iPhone, I had been given my brother's iPod because he got a touch screen one, which meant I was leaving our trusty CD player behind. Then because we all had these touch screen phones, she cancelled our house line, and we even got cable, rendering our DVD collection a secondary choice rather than the primary. Now, part of it definitely had to do with the fact that my siblings and I had all gotten older so there was less content that she was trying to hide us from. But we were also entering more testy ages. I was in middle school, my siblings were in high school, and we were socially falling behind a bit. We were also in a pretty wealthy area, so when we were getting clothes at thrift stores, and shopping for school items off-season for better prices, it was also hard that we didn't know what was going on pop-culturally. And honest to goodness I think I have my older sister to thank. She was the one impacted by this the most because she was around ruthless teenage girls. 

I was still a bit kiddish, and our older brother was basically the high school mayor. Everyone loved him. My sister despite having her own popularity also was the one most insecure and most impacted by our technology gap. I believe she was the reason we got our upgrades when we did. And because we were already starting late, others were getting the iPhone 6 and 7 in 2016, I was JUST starting to tote the iPhone 4. Eventually, we started to move with tech as quickly as everyone else, adapting to this new world of us having our own real smart technology. It was exciting, and it whisked us away from the world of old. And with this new world, came something we have never experienced before: an algorithm. 

For some more context here, I got my first Instagram account in 2018, eight whole years after it had been created. I missed the golden age of Instagram, I got it with an algorithm existing. We got Netflix in around 2019, and experienced its big boom. I got YouTube in 2015/6 meaning I didn't really grow up on Shane Dawson and all those OGs, and I honestly was looking for lesbian creators (shout out to Rose&Rosie, Bria&Chrissy, Allie, Stevie Beobei and others). And I recently reflected, realizing that instead of sinking my teeth into my favorite things, or searching for things I might like, stuff was just being placed in my lap. We stopped having to search for things. I realized that I became passive about our interests.

I have recently started to leave a lot of these things I gained behind, and it's forced me to be more decisive about what I do and don't like, about what I am willing to spend money on or listen to or watch over and over again. It's made me more definitive about who I am and what I like. It's even changed how I engage with spaces like Reddit and YouTube. I have found myself more self-assured and confident about who the heck I actually am. My interests aren't as wishy-washy as I thought. And as someone with ADHD, it's actually nice to have less choices. My brain is moving more clear minded, and I am actually a bit worse and doing a bunch of things at once, whereas I started to need a bunch of distractions going to focus. I've regained my ability to do one thing at a time, even if I haven't conquered procrastination yet, it's a start. I'm not saying algorithms aren't helpful, I've found some cool things I might not have without them. But, I think that it's like telling a kid the answer to a math problem rather than teaching them how to solve it. I've had to start doing research again about bands I might like based on the ones I already do. I'm remembering the names of things rather than saving them to some bookmark collection on a random app. Everything is more purposeful. Intention returns. 

Decision making is a skill. Especially when it comes to what we like, what we want, and what we need. I've spent years feeling like self-identity was something I was chasing. Like I was failing at knowing who I am. And I am not pinning that all on algorithms, but I am saying that when we start to give away our decisiveness about ourselves, we start to become passively engaged with ourselves. I feel like for years people would ask me what shows I like or my hobbies and I'd freeze a bit. I'd be like: wow why can't I think of anything? And I couldn't because I could click on any show and watch it for 10 episodes, skip the intro every time and never even remember the name of it two weeks later. There was no real intention with engaging with it, and half the time it doesn't show up again on your algorithm unless you saved the show or didn't finish it so it ends up in your 'continue watching'. The minute I stopped being entirely digital, I felt emboldened and more self assured. Even yesterday, as someone who has championed my own terrible math skills, picked up a book on physics because I realized I do find it interesting, and don't feel the kind of limitation about just trying it out. I feel more engaged. I feel like I have the brain I did before middle school -- the kid that was dominating all subjects rather than barely passing math and sciences because I was convinced I was only good at English and History. I am sure there's PLENTY I could dive into on my own about that, but truth of the matter is, I feel like I have my brain back. My brain that chooses critically, and not just what's handed to me. 

xoxo, SunnyAngelBaby