Entwined

Usually, although I may be physically alone (such as how I am working overseas right now) I am still content because I know there is someone beside me. However, my boyfriend, or rather my ex-boyfriend dumped me on New Years day.

I have to say, the day he ended it I looked at him sitting dumbly on the sofa whilst I built a puzzle with my mates, and I hated him. He looked dull and repulsive and had been on a run of rejecting me for a month. Honestly, I had half a mind to dump him in that moment too. I guess that's what he wanted, and for that I think he’s horrid, trying to make me do his dirty work.

Wait, I’ll explain a little more clearly. Basically, he simultaneously led me on and rejected me for over a month- like a handler dropping a treat every now and then before continuing to ignore their dog, and I, like a naive puppy just lapped up whatever he’d give me and wagged my tail whilst talking about him to others. He really turned me into a right fool.

I don't want to hate things, but I can't put another word to how I feel about the situation. Why would you drag things out like this? Why would you fake emotions and lie whilst I gave myself to you purely. I hate sugar-coating, I hate fakes and I hate disingenuousness. If you wanted to break up with me why wouldn't you do it there and then instead of leading me along in your dance? To make me feel better about it? Rubbish. You’re just guilty and scared.

As stupid and childish as it sounds, feel cheated of my birthday and Christmas. I spent my birthday alone, but I thought so much of him all the while he was talking about breaking up behind my back. Then, upon his return he gave me gifts he bought whilst wanting to break up with me, as if material items would soothe me. I DO NOT CARE ABOUT THINGS. I CARE ABOUT THOUGHTS, AND FEELINGS AND BEING. All of those objects he gave to me are contaminated with negativity and dislike, whereas I gave mine with goodwill and a genuine happiness. If there's something I value, its honesty. If the world lies, I should at least hope the people I let close to me are honest, but I suppose I can’t trust my own judgement. I’m going to return everything when I get back. He wanted me to keep it but it just felt like an insult every time I looked at them, like he thought of me as a shallow idiot

However, up until New Years day, when I came to realise what he’d been doing and why, he was my best friend. Now I have no one to share random thoughts, discoveries or obsessions with but myself. I’d rather this loneliness than going back to him though. The more I think about his actions, the more distaste I have for him. ESPECIALLY, when THE NIGHT BEFORE he broke up with me he said we should watch Heated Rivalry together??? The gay show???? Knowing FULL well he was going to dump me?? EXCUSE ME??? I AM NOT WATCHING THE YAOI SHOW WITH MY EX-PARTNER-IN-YAOI???? The fact he even suggested that to me makes me wonder if he even knew me at all XD

I understand why be broke up with me, and I don't fault him for that at all. His reasoning is absolutely valid. However, the way he went about things in my mind was just cruel, and to think ‘we’d just be friends’ like normal right after? It’s just so insulting. Did he even view me in a romantic light? Or was he dating me just because, to try something out. Maybe, if he’d just broken up with me a month earlier, my romantic feelings towards him would have faded and we could go back to just being mates but I don't know…

Right now, I am engaging in some serious cognitive dissonance. We are in the same friend-group, everyone of whom I love and care for and am interested in their lives and don’t want to let go of. So, I stay. And every time I see his name on messages, it’s so ugly. I feel uncomfortable reading the words he writes and engaging with them like nothing's happened.

I think I hate him. I don't want to hate him. I want to feel warm, I want to feel apathetic, even, but I can't. All I do is act the part whilst screaming and cringing inside. I’ve no idea how to get over this. It’s damn annoying to care. I don't even know what the feeling I feel is... betrayal?

I’ve been living this new year like my own, doing what I want to do, wearing what makes me happy and exploring a ton! I’m even at this overseas internship and I got into my dream course at my dream university so the future is definitely looking up >BD I’m heading forwards each day and yet, despite my actions he’s still a gritty stain on my heart.

I am curious as to whether he's doing well or not emotionally but I don't know what I’d do with the information and I’m not sure it's such a good idea to know either haha.

We’ll have to meet so I can return his things, and we'll probably meet in other hang outs too. We're also going to the same uni so there's a chance I get jumpscared on the streets... Luckily, I have resolved to always dress my best so if he sees me he will be dazzled by my aura XD

That's it from me tonight.

- Kie (15/1/26, the 2-hour trip home from work)

P.S. Rest in peace, Jon.