paralysis and dissociation

Something really terrible just happened to me. I’ve been one day without smoking weed and it was awful. I had the worst nightmare. My body felt extremely weak. When I went to sleep, I passed out almost immediately, but every time I tried to sleep I’d get sleep paralysis. My body would tense up, feel super heavy, and I couldn’t move at all.

Suddenly, someone I associated as a demon started pulling me with inhuman strength. I could actually feel it touching me. At first I wasn’t crying or saying anything—I couldn’t move, so I just did nothing.

I would wake up inside the nightmare thinking it was over, but I felt really drugged for some reason. A few seconds would pass while I was “awake,” and I felt like something was coming for me. I built up the courage to tell my parents, still inside the nightmare, thinking it was real.

I could hear laughter and meaningless words coming from behind the door while I struggled to get out of my room, with that thing chasing me. It felt like I was being hunted. I finally managed to get out and ran through the hallways until I reached the living room. That’s when, with tears in my eyes, I told my mom what had happened. They didn’t believe me and even started laughing.

Then that thing caught me again. I woke up once more in my bed, feeling something I couldn’t see touching me, trying to take me away. I never dared to look at it—never looked it directly in the face. I just felt it trying to drag me, until I finally woke up in real life.

Sometimes I don’t feel real — not because I’m not, but because I convince myself I’m not. I feel like I’ve lived through surreal eras, pretending to be someone else. Memories that are just… there for no reason. Ideas that formed in my head without asking me first.

At night, asking myself who I am has become an Olympic sport. I’m always staring at the mirror, seeing my face blurred and my eyes red, remembering moments I thought I had forgotten. Memories hit my head like a bullet.

Living inside my head while memories keep showing up isn’t exactly overwhelming; if anything, it makes me think I still have some sense of awareness. But when surreal memories appear, I start wondering if I’m really who I think I am.

Why would I have these thoughts if I never lived them? I don’t know if I’m going crazy, but the truth is, I’m not just one person. The idea of multiple people forming a single identity feels insane. We all share the same brain, everything trapped in one body.

Two parts of me: who I want to be and who I’ll probably be forever. Past and future. The future tries to convince me, but my brain refuses to listen. It says I shouldn’t listen to the future, yet the past only exists to haunt me, showing up when I least expect it.

So you find yourself in a dark room, choosing who to be and what decisions to make. You’re alone in your head for hours — I am too — and that’s terrifying, because I’m not awake in the real world. I don’t hear anything. I don’t think for the real world. It’s just me and my subconscious.

I can’t find a way out.

It was hard; I was never able to talk about it clearly. It’s a secret I’ll keep until the end.
Seems like the things that happen inside your head stay there for life.

“I feel like a different person—something I can’t really understand. I can act like a totally different person around others, even forgetting my own name. I talk about things I didn’t even know I liked, and somehow I pick up a whole new personality. It’s like, for once in my life, I’m not me

It was hard; I was never able to talk about it clearly. It’s a secret I’ll keep until the end.
Seems like the things that happen inside your head stay there for life.

Sometimes when I’m high, I ask things from God or the universe—random, kinda absurd stuff—and then days later I see it and it actually happens. It’s wild how everything around me lines up, or I just stumble across exactly what I asked for online. Sometimes it makes me feel like the queen of the world… even though I don’t really get it. I don’t understand why this happens. Am I going crazy?