either way, i'm good (but also im not??)

tfw you vent on spacehey to ur one friend on here and nb is really gonna read this (insert heart eye emoji here)

it  is currently 11:36 pm on a school night while im typing this but i lowk dont care bc i just need to get some of these DAMN FEELINGS OUT GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAh i hate feeling sad

for like the past month and a half i would say, i've been feeling like im not really the most exciting person to be around. sure, when im with my friend group im happy and grateful i have some people to talk to, but i constantly feel like i have to be the 'funny one' or the 'out of pocket one' and always come up with a witty joke or comment to get laughs out of them. like i have to...impress them. i feel like i have to impress lots of people, to essentially prove to them that im someone who's worth hanging out with. if i only have one person to 'impress', then its more work for me to constantly think of something to say. that's why i prefer being with my 5 other friends at the lunch table everyday, since they can impress each other and feed off each other's energy. i know they're there for me and would most likely comfort me if i felt anything other than happy, but i still feel less.. another thing thats really been picking at me is the fact that i dont think im in that much fandoms. everyone likes the newest shows: stranger things, heated rivalry, love island...but i havent watched any of those. so whenever i see my friends or anyone for that matter ask me if i know them and i say no, they instantly run to the friend that does and they have the time of their LIVES! fuck that hurts me so bad. one of my friends is probably the most opposite from me; theyre into emo music and know lots of bands, watch so much movies, read lots of books, and is definitely in more fandoms than me. so whenever im with just them and they try to bring one of those things up, i cant talk to them much because im not involved with...anything, really. so sometimes theres just this silence while im immediately thinking of the next funny thing to say, since the most we can really get together is small talk, and maybe the occasional conversation about one movie we watched. we both like mean girls. thats why im so iffy on any recommendations given to me that aren't music, because i like to either get to new things when i feel i truly want to, or i just dont and stick with the 2 comfort shows and youtube videos i watch everyday. i guess how i feel is..very not enough compared to others, and like i need to do more. that same friend has called me lazy, most likely as a light joke, but i sometimes find myself thinking that i am.

sometimes i find myself insecure about my height and my overall body. im like a calm 6'3, so people always call me tall when they see me, and every old man and grandma in a 5 mile radius is telling me 'i should join basketball' when the truth is I DONT! im gay, i watch drag race like its the super bowl, and i have no plans on pursuing any sport. i dont like having photos taken of me or having my voice recorded because my voice has sounded awful on video for as long as i can remember. my face is...well, i dont think im ugly, but im also not pretty or handsome, either. well, to most people, including my friends, im probably ugly as FUCK. my only good quality would be my dimples, since thats the only thing ppl compliment me for. i hate looking at myself practically every day, i wake up feeling like absolute shit, and that my life is gonna turn into shit if i dont make something of myself.

i do like dancing. i'm in a kpop dance club at my school, and to be honest, i've been able to express myself more. i enjoy dancing in my room and acting like im beyonce at 2018 coachella, and that club is honestly making me more confident at dancing and learning choreography. but that voice in my head keeps nagging at me 'youre too tall to be dancing like a girl' 'youre too manly, j dawg!' 'be a boy already'... being gay sucks, man. especially where im from..it is a MESS every single day. i cant get taken seriously because of my 'gay voice' and it always makes me feel like im some tall abomination for people to gawk at.

i really am an outsider. a lanky, tall outsider who doesnt know what to make of himself. yeah, i have a 'fun personality' from what my friends would probably tell you, but is there more to me than that? do i have to follow the latest tiktok trends and be apart of lots of new fandoms? i feel like i have to do that in order to actually fit in with people these days.

i do have potential for myself, ill give myself that. i can probably make something out of the few dancing skills that i have. and if not, maybe itll be a boring office job with a just good enough pay for little ole j dawg.

FUCK IM EMO AS SHIT ON THIS ONE LMFAOAOAOO