cleanliness is my religion and showers are a sacred act

set out into the world and you no longer imbue whatever you touch with the memory of filth!

i struggle with OCD and the need to feel clean all the time is a big part of that, but it goes beyond physical dirt; when someone speaks too close to me and digs little holes in my neck, it's the need to feel clean of the world that makes me slap at the impressions of their voice on my skin.

showering used to be an excruciating two hour process, but then i got better and now it's awesome.

there are no opportunities to distract myself with quick hits of dopamine and so i have get to focus on existing for 15 minutes. for some reason, if i shower correctly, my mind decides that any trace of dirt/germs that would have bothered me is gone. anything that weighed me down with its filth is washed away and i am the closest i will ever be to a factory reset.

when i was younger i used to wish on every star that a machine could scrub me from the inside out. that nothing i consumed or felt or did would ever be permanent.

i threw up a lot a few weeks ago trying to chase some sense of internal emptiness and i realized that it really doesn't work like that. i'll never be empty. but i'm not defined by what i take in either. i'm not spineless like i used to be.

i stand under the water and shed all the barnacles weighing down my skin .