The thing about being human

I'm writing this blog because I feel less of a human in some way. We are trying to be perfect, to be fathomable, to be liked, to be aesthetic and pretty and complete. 

Fuck perfectionism, ,fuck internet cringe culture. I guess we also want to feel less alone in how we experience the world. We are human. This is a bit of my soul.

The thing about being human 

Sorry for the sloppy writing but it's past my bedtime now. There's this feeling that I have. Or rather, I don't know...like you love and appreciate everything so deeply but that also makes you hate everything and withdraw. That in some way you're running out of time.

To never feel quite anchored and to root deeply for everything at the same time. The concept of language, that moment when you have a water drop on your lashes or glasses and you squint your eyes and look at a lamp and it becomes a mini microscope for a while, the fact that we can make sounds, that there are whole ceremonies tied to religions and mindsets forever changed in whatever ways because of that, cables, ppl on concerts jumping and screaming to those guys on stage, us wearing t-shirts with faces of other ppl on them, games, ghosts, myths, graveyards, the way we mourn, watching a jolly Beatles movie realizing Beatlemania-something once so electric and alive is forever gone and will only be further and further away just like everything else ("Dear John). Even now is the past. Even this sentence is past. And this one. And this one. 

Beds for newborns with those fancy baldachims (or canopies, how do you call those) looking like some kind of celebration-if aliens were to look at it and think/ this must be something really special, the way we look back in time looking into the night sky, us digging up fossils and then ppl on tiktok crying over the Triassic cuddle grave fossil.

Fungi and slime molds (being able to find their way out of IKEA) (I got lost way too many times)

Fragment from "Entangled Life" by Merlin Sheldrake (I love this book so much>>). 

The way we interact with somebody on a random TikTok live and never see them again so now a complete stranger lives in your head, wondering where ppl from the backgrounds of random photos are now-where did they end up-how did things turn out for them? (The punk guy in Gothenburg walking behind my grandparents, around 2005), your parents being teenagers too and having plans. How you don't know their story. A scenery that keeps being the background to your thought patterns even though it may not have anything In common. The mermaid spells we saw as kids after obsessing over H20 or some shit (that one person who has it on their Spacehey account, I literally forgot about that until I read it). The way we call our music the whole world and cry over songs whose creator doesn't even know we exist, the way we regret, how the hue/color changes slightly when you close your eye and open the other and vice versa after laying in the sun or covering your eye for a while, one end of the fluorescent ceiling lamps blinking when you look away and stopping when you look right at it, the subtle buzz of everything in the walls when everything is dead quiet, those water beetles looking like bumper cars in amusement parks, not feeling your hands when you are anxious, rainbow halos on wet or frozen windows, the peculiar way the bottom of the sink or the ceiling in a room you rarely use look, tunnels, whales, ceilings in stores, the dreamy state you're in when you try not to fall asleep doing something, poems that sound crazy in the morning and yet completely and utterly real the night before, shoes being foot capsules (this is so funny at 3 am), doing pushups in your room trying to change ur life and somebody opens the door, cars interacting with eachother no matter if they want it or not, bonds and relationships between creatures (hi to my snail Tedi), dreams like, for real??? To think to myself that everything I wrote here is completely irrelevant just to come back again and relate more than ever. To be so deeply overtaken and in awe just for people to say that you should dance more on parties, or listen to happy music or to smile when you literally feel peak happy. /I'm sorry I look so cold/. Knowing somebody listening to your (barely listenable?) song without turning away would mean more than any jolly summer song. To nitpick everything for hours and hours about everything you consume to make sure it doesn't make you a bad person because you don't want to be the angry son anymore-its the last thing that you ever wanted and you know that in a way you are the problem-so now you need control over everything/just to say I don't know when people ask you why you know so much. You don't know why you are so angry all the time. You become the subject of family gathering pick-subtle-jokes. All this rage that you've ever felt makes you unable to cry anymore.You don't know why you bite. Always the old soul child-rarely in it all, even when you're participating. Even In your dreams you're trying to find home. Even in your dreams you're trying to hold everything together. To turn (almost forward) when you feel like something you like may not be pure//(hi to religious conditioning)/. To feel like there is ̶a̶̶l̶̶w̶̶a̶̶y̶̶s̶ a glass between you and everything no matter how much you soak in. To feel like you're always exaggerating and then feeling bad for yourself because there is nothing wrong with your life, only ̶t̶̶h̶̶i̶̶s̶ ̶h̶̶e̶̶a̶̶v̶̶i̶̶n̶̶e̶̶s̶̶s̶ 

To analyze and feel everything at the same time and to notice things and people to the point where you don't even get mad anymore yk. To be scared of having opinions to not cause inconvenience again. To explain yourself in your head even tho you probably won't need to. To always share things and reach out and not know if you're annoying them/because you're overflowing with the intensity and your notebooks aren't enough/(embrace loneliness" when all I want is community because people are not meant to be their only witnesses). To feel just a step out of things. To feel left out not knowing if you just aren't doing enough/ still thinking you are doing everything right,/ |I don't know what's real or true. If things are borrowed| To feel lonely even though there are people, you just never feel like it's enough. It's just this feeling. I can't describe it. I don't want to describe it. What is it that I mourn.

To become addicted to your music because hearing people write songs about people or things worth screaming for feels liberating and holy//it becomes a negative-view mirror for your own experience|•

And in case nobody told you today, you are enough. Remember you are a living, breathing human being and you matter. You are not alone<3 My dms are open if you want to vent.

Here's a link to my Pinterest board: https://pin.it/3QgiU0QHv