The Purgatory I live in

TW I guess? If you don't wanna hear about the desperate feeling of a fool from a relationship, then click off? (Or just skip to the end?)
This was back in 2020-2021 Yeah I know, that era where most people were chronically online most of the day. I was a dumb, selfish, ignorant kid who never really felt "love". This is gonna be "cringy" and corny btw. We meet though a common friend, and just like that we were inseparable. She was a bit older then me but everything anyone could ask for. She understood me, and I wanna think I understood her too. She cared like no one else, did anything for me and more. She was perfect, everything I wanted and more. I was the love of her life (as she would tell me) and she proved it every day. I never understood how or even why me? I introduced her to my friends and she loved them, she did the same with hers and they hated me. We would spend all day together, even when I was with friends and playing with them, she would just stay there. She would send me little texts and genuinely pay attention to what we were doing, Like a little cheer leader, Like my little cheer leader. Fast forward so I don't bore you guys with the same thing over and over again. We had fights, little one off arguments but they never got into anything serious. I started changing for her and vice versa. I don't know if it was from selfish thoughts, friends that helped those thoughts, or just plain "stupidness". I decided to break up with her. I talked with my friends about it a week before everyday. I kept saying she was too clingy or not being clingy enough and many other things. Now that I look back, I was just looking for any excuse to do it. I was the only one who treated her like someone, I cared for her like no one else did before.

All I remember form that night was the tears in my eyes, just going off about one thing or another. I tried to have a back and forth, seeing if she could convince me other wise. She was crying too much to even talk, She resorted to just texting. That night she probably only sent a couple of messages. It started as confusion, then anger, ending with just tears from both of us. I said things I told my self I would never say, less to her. I tore up old trauma from her and me, mostly from her. At the end I made her block me from everything possible, after some fighting she did. She didn't want to end things, she didn't want to block me. I didn't want to leave her alone but I convinced my self that I needed to put my self first and not let anything hold me back. I realized now that I was a fool to even think that. I didn't want any chance of me being able to go back. There was one platform she couldn't bring her self to block me on. I didn't want to be responsible for the break up, that's why I told her to block me on anything. That night I block her off that one platform she couldn't. She pled, with tears in her eye's for a second chance. I wouldn't let my self think of the idea. I broke our hearts. I broke her heart. 

It's been years since then, and as every year passes my regret grows bigger. I wanna say she wasn't the love of my life and I knew that then too. Maybe that's why I was looking for any excuse to leave. I wish I could go back, not to stop the break up... Or maybe I would. I just wish to hear her voice again, spend one more day with her, feeling her love and care. I guess to save her from the pain I caused her. I know it's a selfish thing to think. That's why I haven't tried to contact her again. Sometimes I wish I would have earlier, to help with her healing. I'm afraid now that she's healed, that I'll just cause her pain coming back. So here I am, stuck in the purgatory of my own mind. Never bringing my self to send a text or a call or anything at all. Even smoke signals if it means a chance she could see it. Don't know if I'm looking for a reason to forgive my self, or have her forgive me. I just want to say sorry, I wanna believe I forgave my self years back, but as she? I've been though other relationships even since, never feeling the same thing I felt from her. I'm with another now, She's my fiancé now. We fought sooo many times and almost broken up many times too. We both changed for each other, sacrificing something while gaining another. I'm doing better now then I was before. I have changed so much, mentally and with my personality. Maybe I just want her to see how much I've changed. If I could do it all over, I would treat her so differently now. 

I guess this blog is my party for the green light a cross the lake. For my Daisy.

blank, If by any chance you're reading this. I'm sorry. Sorry for the way I treated you, for things I called you that night, For bringing up things that destroyed you. I hope you're doing better, I wish you found someone better then I was. I hope you don't think of me ever, that you forget about our time together. I will probably never text you, or try making contact with you. I don't want to hurt you like I hurt my self over the years because of it. Thank you for giving me your all, for showing me something I believed didn't exist for me. I loved you then with all my heart, I didn't know how to show it. I'm sorry for taking your love and leaving it behind. I'm not looking for forgiveness, I just wanna know I didn't hurt you like I think I did. I'm sorry, I know I wont be able to give you that time back. I won't be able to say anything that will heal those scars. I'm sorry for all I've done to you, and for what I should've done. I'm sorry

I know no matter what I do these thoughts will never go away. I know what I did can't be turned back. No replacement exist for her, No one can give me what she gave me. So I have tried to move on, I have a loving fiancé that would give me the world and I would too. That's why I'm making this blog. I want to leave this behind one and for all, not to forget her, but to recognize these wounds and accept the consequences from them. 

Thank you for reading this sorry excuse of an apology.
I'm sure I'm not the only one who as passes though this and I won't be that last. So please, if you needed any sign to apologize, to say sorry, to accept the wounds you conflicted. This is your sign. Don't live with the regret I still live with years later. It doesn't get better, you just learn to live with it a little better everyday (That everyday more feels like every year).

It takes a lot from me to post something like this. I'm trying to change and do things I want to do without being so afraid of the what if's yk? If you have something "bad", or that goes against my thinking, Please say it. If you have some advice or just some thoughts please say it, I will try to reply to every comment (I don't imagine this would get any in reality). 
So once again, Thank you for reading
And for being apart of my journey on becoming someone I can accept, live, and prosper with. 
Love you all, and wish only the best for every, single, one, of, you, :)
You are all so unique and beautiful in your own way. I read these blogs people post and the comments. You're all full with such great personalities and thoughts. Please and I do beg please, If you wanna post something but aren't sure, Be it from embarrassment, worry, or just not knowing if you'll fit in. DO IT. You're too beautiful and unique to suppress your personality. 
Take the first step I took today by posting this. Don't let it stir in your mind forever, not being heard. 

Love you all
Thank you.
-Xioko