When a Conversation Changes How You See Yourself

I’ve already told you that, especially in my blog posts, I want to talk a lot about myself, and that I hope it might help someone if I start talking. It has a lot to do with self-reflection, and yesterday I had an argument with a very close friend. I’m still unsure whether that argument opened my eyes or closed them.

I want to be clear from the start: this situation wasn’t one-sided. I see my mistakes and take responsibility for them, but some things were also handled poorly by him. This conflict didn’t come from just one person, and it didn’t happen in a vacuum.I’m not angry at him. I’m not angry at someone I’ve known for so long and with whom I share so many good memories. But in a way, it broke me.

Yesterday’s argument started small and escalated because of communication issues. In emotionally charged situations, both sides are easily agitated, and it becomes difficult to connect when there are criticisms in the moment. It started with insults, and afterward, there were apologies for everything. But even with apologies, it’s hard to forget. I take the words of the people closest to me very seriously, and what they say affects me deeply.That’s probably something I should work on myself, learning to let go more quickly and not carry it inside me so heavily.

I would describe myself as a controversial person. I can be empathetic and emotionally intelligent, but I can also be cold and unwilling to discuss things. Another issue that became clear yesterday is that I tend to agree with the other person just to avoid pressure and stress, because there’s so much anger and sadness inside me that I don’t know how to handle it. People might say, “Then just speak up and put into words what you feel,” but that’s difficult, especially when you want to avoid escalating conflict. At some point, even though I had a

slightly different opinion, I agreed and said things like, “Yes, I agree with you, you’re right,” and in doing so, I betrayed myself.

He told me that I’m emotionally unintelligent, at least sometimes. He explained that there have been situations where I acted emotionally intelligent, but on days like yesterday, it seems like I don’t even try. That hurts, because emotional intelligence isn’t something you either have or don’t have. It’s situational, and he is right that I sometimes fall short. He also said that repeatedly saying, “I’ll try to improve” without visible changes makes words lose their meaning. I agree with that. A simple example is interrupting others. I didn’t realize how much I did it until he pointed it out. I apologized and said I’ll try to work on it, but nothing really changed. Actions matter more than words, and I understand that.

By the time we had been on the phone for about an hour, he had explained what I did wrong and why he reacted the way he did. I could understand his perspective, but it wasn’t easy to fully grasp. I agreed with much of what he said, but I struggled to express my own feelings. I’m not someone who cries easily during discussions, and usually, I can defend my opinion. But with him, it was different. There are very few people like that, and he is one of them. Trying to argue only makes it worse, so I tend to stay quiet. During the conversation, I was so overwhelmed that, even though I planned a break from smoking weed, I rolled one and smoked to calm down. It helped, but I’m not proud of it.

This is the first time I’ve expressed it this way. Every person has reasons for what they do, and it’s not enjoyable for anyone. I’ve always dealt with stress differently, and lately, that hasn’t worked anymore. Generally, I’m a positive person. I have friends, a family that loves me, and I’m not struggling financially. School is fine. I enjoy tattooing and do it for little money. People see me as positive, and I consider myself relatively happy, but lately, everything seems to come back up.

Yesterday’s conversation also focused on empty phrases and the idea that saying, “I’ll become a better person” or “thank you for opening my eyes” is meaningless without action. I agree, but trying is still a start. Words aren’t actions, but they are a beginning. They reflect the realization that change is needed, which many people don’t even want to have. I understand both sides, and at least I recognize that I need to change and I’m not stubborn with myself.

For the first time in my life, I’m genuinely questioning who I am. I’m asking myself whether I’m really the person I’ve always believed myself to be, or if I’m different from that image. It’s the first time I’ve seriously wondered whether I might not be as emotional toward others as I thought, not as emotionally intelligent, not as empathetic. And that question changes everything. Because if I’m not the person I thought I was, then who am I? That uncertainty sits heavy with me, and I don’t have an answer yet.

In the end, we talked it out. Later, he messaged me, “I love you,” and I replied, “You can’t imagine how much I love you too.” This morning, I didn’t feel great, even though the conversation ended positively. Conflicts are normal in friendships, but this wasn’t just a conflict. It was personal, and it taught me a lot about myself. That’s good, but it’s also hard. It’s uncomfortable when someone breaks through a side of you that isn’t meant to be seen.

It also feels a bit one-sided to write this here since he can’t speak for himself. But I believe it’s okay. If it felt this way to me, then it’s valid for me to talk about it.

I’m disappointed in myself for not handling the situation differently, but I still believe every low point or bad experience can turn into something good if you want it to. I do want that. I’m somewhere between being satisfied with myself and dissatisfied with how I handle things. What he said about empty phrases made me feel like a liar, as if someone was saying, you told me you’d stop interrupting people, you said you’d try to live differently, you say you’re emotionally intelligent, and you lied. But I didn’t lie. It comes from my heart, even if I’m not perfect. I’m still very young, and it’s not easy to implement everything perfectly the first time.

Yesterday’s conversation left me feeling uncomfortable within myself. It raised questions neither of us could answer, and that felt helpless. I need to think about it.

That’s the end of today’s blog. If anyone has questions or something to say, feel free to leave a comment. And we’ll see what I write about next.

Love you all, 

lai