Sharing My Story

     So, getting out of an abusive relationship. Yeah, it's so much harder than the media makes it seem. For me, it took a couple suicide attempts, self-harm in many ways, frequent meltdowns in public, and losing and gaining friends. It's excessive, but he knew how badly I've been hurt in the past. He knows how I handle things alone. That's why I fell in love with him, he guided me. At first. He lent a gentle hand at first, he comforted me when I felt I wasn't good enough for him at first, everything was at first. Then, he just switched.

He ghosted me one night, leaving me awake for hours, crying my eyes out on the floor of my bathroom. Then, he just came back, telling me he was sorry for it. Yeah, I'm gonna forgive him for ghosting me for no reason and leaving me alone to self-harm in that span, because I thought I had lost the love of my life.

He demanded we'd sext. I didn't want to. He knew my past with sexual things. He still wanted it when I told him no. I went to bed that night so I could ignore him. I woke up to missed calls, messages saying he was going to kill himself because "I obviously don't love him enough". So, we sexted all day, even when I was in public with my family. I loved him, I didn't want him to die. I believed everything he said. I was in love with the idea of being in love. I forgave him.

He broke up with me, saying he couldn't handle my sensitivity anymore. That was one way to tell me to go fuck myself. I begged him not to go, I cried and fucking did self-harm as he left. He left me there on the floor, my family not at home at the time, so they had to come home to find me a bleeding mess in the bathroom.

It was terrifying, being back in the same position I told him had traumatized me: a hospital, bleeding and not knowing if I was going to die, self inflicted wounds. He knew how badly it scared me.

My body started to heal, I think I started to heal. I was getting help, from my friends and family. I was happy, finally, even if I still cried and missed him.

Then, he showed up to my house. I broke down and he hugged me, saying he was "sorry for these things." I missed him, so I said I forgave him. I had to make him leave before my mom saw him.

New Years, he blocked me again. He told me he had met another girl, and that he "didn't need my uses anymore." I still feel so fucking sorry for that girl.

I'm still trying to heal right now. I'm restricted in so much, but my friends and family love me. My arms and legs look like shark gills lol, but, I feel happier. I feel like I'm starting to heal, even if I have to do it all over again. I'm happier.

I'm sharing my story not only to just let it all out, but to maybe reach out to somebody and maybe, they could find the will to leave their own abusive relationship. Even if nobody sees this, I'm happy to let it out.

xoxo, UwU