The Gray Area (Part 2).

I'll cut to the juicy bits. 

Dating Jay at 17 was definitely an unprecedented time for me. I was always the good kid. Followed the rules, didn't drink..in fact I was that loser freshman year who called my mom to pick me up from a HS party because I felt uncomfortable people were drinking and fucking. Yep that was me. But not at 17. It was my time and Jay was slowly prepping me for it.

He was from the bad part of town. Typical. Metal kid. I liked that. Fronted a band, I liked that even more. It fit my emo angsty teen aesthetic. I started doing shit so unlike me. I don't know? I was boy crazy I guess? Blame it on the hormones? 

I did make something clear to Jay though, I was a "virgin." That's what I said at the time anyway. If you ask me now, I hate the concept of "virginity" it's such bullshit and rooted in deep misogyny but I'll save that for another rant. 

I made it clear to Jay I wasn't ready for that stuff because I knew he had been around a few times so to speak. He drank, he smoked weed, he smoked cigarettes, he cursed like a sailor, I mean it was like I was dating a grown man in the body of an 18 year old. Well you know, as much as 17 year old me thought. It's funny how grown you think when you're a teenager. Seriously. 

One of the first times we ever drunkenly hung out together I told him of a time this guy ( I was 16) tried to assault me when I was in California for this college prep program (remember guys I was a loser). He forcibly wouldn't let me leave unless we had sex. I was so uncomfortable, I had to literally shove him out the way. I never felt that scared before like something bad could happen and it almost did. But I escaped without any cuts that time.

Jay - our first night chillin' promised he was not that guy and respected women " I have a mother and a sister." Sound familiar? 

I feel like I'm setting this up for something bad but remember this is called The Gray Area because to this day I hate thinking of myself as some sort of sitting duck that just accepted this. 

Anyway..it was a slow build ..kinda. One night I snuck out my bedroom window to hang out with him. It felt liberating. WOW I could do this AND get away with it! It was fun. We made out, we drank. He drove this van at the time. It's like 3 am now. He whips out his cock. And I freeze like wtf am I supposed to do with that? I never even sucked a dick before. "Can you just please? All my other gfs did before." Sounds so dumb but that was his line and I felt like well Fuck guess I have to and I did. "You're so good. You're lying. You've done this before." I mean shit way to give me hella confidence. Now I felt yeah, word, I can suck dick. I do this now. 

Remember only the juicy bits..so let me fast forward here. Jan. 27 2007. I snuck out. The usual, Bedroom window. We usually went to his house to hang at night cause his parents didn't mind. We get to his place, his mom is asleep, his dad is awake. Jay brings out a few 40 oz. Saint Ides....His dad takes one, I take one and he takes one. Remember I didn't really drink? Jay on the other hand, he was like a tank I mean still by today's standards, kid could drink a lot. It was impressive just as it was tragic. I'm spitting this out like it's word vomit. Wine remember? 

So his dad goes to bed. It's maybe 2ish. I'm fucking wasted. Jay had maybe like three 40 oz. He seemed fine. How would I know? This part gets a little hazy. I remember it was just us now on his living room couch. Jesus fucking christ. 

We're watching tv. He goes to his room and comes back with a condom. I feel confused. I remember that. He gets hard, climbs on top of me and I'm suddenly like holy shit IS THIS HAPPENING? What do you do? I froze. I don't know what the right reaction is to this shit. Am I "ready?" After all this fucking talk about virginity, oh wait for the "right" person, "right time" yada yada, here I am on this smelly fucking couch. Actually it was more like a futon. Well here Jay was on top of me, already put the condom on, shit happening mad fast. I don't know. It happened. It hurt. It sucked. I just kept thinking, I wish this was over. And when it was Jay left me on his living room couch and he went to his bedroom, closed the door and went to bed. I stayed up on all night. 

All I remember next is I'm back home and I'm starring at my mirror. I'm looking to see if I see the "gap" everyone talks about when they Fuck. Do I have a gap now? Am I still me? What was that? Did I want that?

The end of Jay and I got really bad. I honestly didn't even recognize myself, neither did some of my friends. I lost a close friend during that time. She just couldn't deal with me drunkenly crying about how he'd verbally abuse me and how I felt I didn't want to have sex that night. She was over it. I still feel slighted by her for abandoning me at that time. Alex if you're reading this, Fuck you for that but also it's okay, you were 16. 

Excuse the summary here to follow, I just can't re hash every fucking moment because I've made way too much progress to go back but....

To no surprise, I discovered he cheated on me many times, gaslight me- accused me of all the shit he was doing behind my back. He isolated me, "I'm your only friend. You don't have any friends. Just me. No one will ever love you like I do." That shit. Berated me (like literally called me every nasty name you can think of and I like a dumb bitch believed every word) I felt worthless, stupid, he made me cry more times than I'd ever like to admit, and then finally one day after he threatened me physically, I said to him, " I don't want to end up like your mom." And he knew what that meant. So I finally dumped his ass and fucked his two best friends as revenge. Say what you will, I don't fucking regret it, though they were shitty lays, I just wanted to hurt him like he hurt me and this was the only way to make him feel like shit and that's all I wanted for so long was to make him hurt like he hurt me. 

Fuck you 18 year old Jay. But I hope you're a better man now. I hear you have a daughter now.