Things I Don’t Usually Say

Hello, this is my first time writing a blog in English. I’m a little nervous, but I guess that’s part of it.

Basically, I’m someone who struggles with things like talking to other people. Small talk, starting conversations, knowing what to say… it all feels harder than it should. Maybe it’s because I spent high school, and now university, studying from home. When you’re not around people every day, you kind of forget how to exist around them.

A lot of people think this lifestyle is fun. You know, staying at home, having time to do whatever you want, waking up five minutes before class. And yes, I won’t lie, I do have a lot of advantages. I have the privilege of owning a laptop and having internet to attend my classes, and I’m grateful for that. But socially… man, I’m so alone.

It’s a quiet kind of loneliness. The kind that doesn’t explode, but just sits there with you while the days pass.

I keep telling myself that it’s okay, that I don’t really need anything else. That I’m fine on my own, that I should be used to this by now. And yet, I still want an IRL friendship. Someone to sit next to, to talk without thinking too much, to exist with in the same space. Or even a relationship, if I’m being honest.

I mean, I do have friends. They are my best friends, and I love them. But they have their own best friends too. They go to university, they have jobs, routines, lives that keep moving forward. And I’m happy for them, I really am. It just makes the distance feel louder.

And I’m still here, in the same place, trying to figure things out.

Stuck.

— Serulean

writing things I can’t say out loud