love is hard

ok i need to write it down, maybe someone who doesn't know me will find this and will have some words to say. 

i have a crush on a co-worker. i don't know why it happened, or how, she is not my type physically, but we share some interests and humour.

let's start the story from the beginning. 

although she is a co-worker, she has a permanent contract, and i always come to this company on temporary contracts. she is a performer and i am a wardrobe assistant, this is very important to note. 

since we are part of different teams, we didn't really notice each other when we first met, almost 4 years ago. plus she was performing a role i couldn't stand any more bc i was always the one preparing the costumes and they were always getting cut from the show. but two years ago, we met again on another show and we kind of hit it off, in a friendly way. we were always teasing each other and we were pleased to work together (she wasn't playing a role i hated plus i couldn't run away the same way). one day she even told me she was happy to be with me bc i was fun to be around, contrary to one of my colleague (whom i appreciate btw) who can be a bit crude (she once said to one of the performer to comeback later bc they didn't clock yet and were already asking something about their costume and then slammed the door to their face...). at some point, i was repeating words from a youtube vid (echolalia hey) and she knew this video, so she wanted to tell me her fav part of it and she said she couldn't repeat it as it was in the vid. the same night or the next day i don't recall, i get an ig notif saying she wanted to follow me (i never gave her my ig handle but hey she just had to check some of our coworkers followings). i accepted and a not an hour after i received the bit of the ytb vid she loved. 

anyway. during my time at show #2, i noticed she had a little bi flag on her water bottle, and i think i already had a little crush on her then bc i kept thinking of it. she also made a joke about dating zendaya and we kept running this joke for weeks. 

throwback to last summer. another year another show i guess ? i knew she wasn't going to be on show #2 bc she asked to change after 2 years on it. so this summer as i was working on show #1 again, her name came up for the fittings, i was so excited! during her fitting she teased me a lot, i don't recall why but at some point she mentioned showing me her boobs (jokingly) to which i answered by saying "you want to show me your boobs as if i didn't see your butt upclose everyday at show #2!" because yes, during show #2 i needed to kneel behind her to dress and undress her role, which lead me to see the performer's asses upclose every-time. 

after this fitting we kind of texted again on ig, and one night, as i was with drunk friends (i am sober myself), our convo was kind of flirty according to them (and me actually but my friends are autistic and my psychiatrist think i might be too so lol). the next day, we cross path during lunch and she mentions -- for the FIRST TIME in two fcking years-- her BOYFRIEND whom she lives with. 

ok little heartbreak moment. because it doesn't end here (but it should)

i still have a crush on her. 

during the end of summer, i worked on show #3 during my birthday and we crossed path again. she then told me her birthday is actually 5 days after and we found out we were born the same year. 

yea ok. 

theeeeen i worked again on show #1 and #4 for which she did the fittings during summertime. i wasn't supposed to but they called me and i came back (i needed money). on my first day back, i tried not to be weird, and pretended i didn't see her at the bus stop at work. she didn't see me until we were in the bus bc i received a dm asking me if i was on show #1 too. we teased each other again by dm and finally spoke during the evening for show #1. 

throughout the last 3 months of 2025, the teasing was going steady, i was one of the three people she actually talked to from the wardrobe staff, every time i was around, she would ask me to dress and undress her. recently she came to me from the other side of the room for it but i was already busy. i also discovered that her best friend was actually in my high school, which is crazy bc she grew up in the north west and i grew up in the south west of the country (they met during their college years). she loves musicals. we were talking about the subject bc she was planning to go see one with a friend and she told me it was "niche" so i probably didn't know the troupe. plot twist: i knew the troupe bc i used to subtitles their youtube vid 10 years ago (i miss you community subtitles) (also if anybody is curious, the troupe is starkid). at some point during show #1 2025, i mentioned how she came to follow me on ig (i don't remember why) and she was surprised bc she "never follows first" (trust me i know this is what happened girl!) 

during these 3 months, she mentioned her bf several times, she made his birthday gift herself etcetera. 

and yet we would still hug each other every day we worked together, gossiped, joked... (yea i know this is also a friendly way to act)

one day, we were staring at birds flying during our break and she mentioned to me she was questioning herself about her life. she promptly added she was talking about her professional life but idk. this moment was kind of weird. i felt like maybe it wasn't just a career crisis but i can't prove it yet (im probably just delusional af)

during a discussion across us and 2 other coworkers, we talked about what kind of girls we find attractive (fun fact i myself forgot my type lol) and she mentioned she liked women with short hair (and men with long hair -- her bf has short hair tho). it's crazy bc GUESS WHO HAS FUCKING SHORT HAIR. i mean i currently have a bob (idk if it qualifies as short but to me is the maximum length i want to have) but she saw me with shorter hairstyles. 

and now i was asked to be on show #5 and... she is going to be there too. like bitch wtf is going on. 

i feel like we are supposed to be in each other lives for many years but with all that i feel hopeless for it to be any kind of romantic. but i can't move on!! i was sort of hit on during a new year party and after the moment passed, i immediately thought of #her again. how am i supposed to let it go when we're going to spend 5 more months together!?! we even talked about going to see the rocky horror together when it comes to town in a few months (she has yet to see the movie and the musical). 

anyway i feel dumb for posting this on the internet but my notebook isn't enough any more. longing for someone already in a steady relationship (with someone from the opposite gender too) feels so wrong but i went for a whole year lowkey crushing on her without knowing she had a bf. now im hard crushing (i was before getting the info about the bf btw). dang letting go is hard. but in a way i feel like i have a slight chance it might happen ??? it's odd. im loosing my mind about this shit. im going back to work in a week, what's going to happen next? hopefully a breakup with her bf

alright thanks for reading even if you don't comment, pls send good vibes for me to either forget her as a love interest or date her in the unlikely chance she breaks up w/ her bf!