help me the stupid fuvcking rabbit is after me

i love how all my deeply philosophical vents have these stupid fucking titles lmao. okay no but seriously someone needs to get me on fucking mood stabilizers or some kinda fucking meds cause these ssris are not cutting it. 

i would get on drugs but i think that that shit would actually kill me on first try because of my weak body and i find it kind of find that an embarrassing way to die.

i've been searching for a way to disappear without actually having to die since that would seem to make a few people very unhappy and id rather keep my peace in case my attempt wouldn't work and id survive. id have to hear about how i hurt people all day and i dont want that so were keeping it at something non-lethal.

finding something non-lethal but strong enough to stop making me feel this pain has been quite the task i'm gonna be honest. i feel like drugs would definitely do the trick but again 1. id die and 2. that would also make quite a few people unhappy and that destroys the actual purpose of me trying to find something that wont upset people. 

i wish there was a way for me to disassociate so hard that i wouldn't have to deal with my body and my mind and stuff. like my own little world inside my head that i would go to and something else takes care of my body. that would be so nice. 

i do really need to find a way though because i cant endure these feelings for much longer. and i'm scared of what will happen when i do finally break. but there doesn't seem to be anything that could get me out of this. i just want to be a normal functioning person. i want to be happy with the people i love. i want to be normal.

i honestly feel really bad for my boyfriend because hes soso lucky but then had the unfortunate event of falling in love with me. like, hes so normal. he can function and shit. i'm so envious of his mental and physical strength. he used to be like me but he actually got out of it. like for real crossed that path and made it. he works a good job, drives his own car, lives at his own place, lives independently and he has people around him that care about him lots so hes not really ever alone.

i told him from the get-go that we shouldn't date because i have bpd and he deserves to date someone that isn't emotionally unstable but he didn't want that. he wanted me. which is sweet i guess but i genuinely cannot understand why he likes to hurt himself like that. why does he keep choosing people that aren't good for him and that will not serve him in the long run? hes always dated such awful people and i'm no exception as much as i try to be. i want him to be happy and i want him to be in love and carefree and not constantly have to worry about my feelings or how im doing or that i don't hurt myself.

i genuinely think that my boyfriend deserves to be with someone better and i think that he will come to that conclusion soon enough and leave me.

i deserve a better life too but i don't think that that is in the cards for me. i don't think i will ever be normal unfortunately. my mind will forever be plagued by this and my body will forever be weak and unstable

if anyone's read to the end of this i am very sorry for the shitty writing and also is this really interesting enough for you to read to the end?? i feel very honored lmao