labeling

throughout my life, I still don't know what I am, either that or I'm a nobody. I see myself as bland, not creative/artistic enough, guy who has many interests but afraid to show it to everyone else, there's only three people that I can freely tell my interests because I trust them with my life and one of them saved my ass when I was severely lonely and envy at that time. He(he/it) asked if I wanna go meet it, I said yes and that was the last time before he left the country, I've met that guy since 2015-2016, classmates to be exact, then quarantine happened so I didn't get to meet it and didn't get to talk to it because I was an asshole back then. Post-pandemic, 2023, he saved my ass, I miss that guy sm.

Anyway, sorry for yapping abt that:P back to the main point of the blog, I'm not sure about anything anymore, Idunno what I am, some people labeled me as "emo" since my childhood but I'm not sure if I'm still denying it or not. In some cases, it can be true, but like.. how?? I don't even know much about the culture and yet.. people called me one! Was it because of how I act? because of my hair in which I never taken care of? and remember what I said, I never tell my interests to anyone so yeah.. I mean I never express myself because I'm insecure and it doesn't suit my face to the public eye or something I'm fat and ugly. and also I'm afraid of being judged, but on the other side, which is the emo community or something, I've never actually met one or interacted with, talking about interests or anything. I feel like a poser, That's why I never talk about my shit because I don't wanna be a poser, am I a poser? I don't know? some people just called me emo because they called me that. It's also the reason why I gave up learning how to skate, now it's eating dust in my backyard. It's also the reason why I didn't start learning how to play a guitar. I just wanna ride and play music, it doesn't because it's cool or anything, because I like it for the love of the game. Also my room is empty, there's no posters or anything like how emos are expected, just anything bedroom essentials and a ps5 and my walls and ceiling is painted white. am I emo inside or am Idunno what to write here tbh, a basic nobody? and my clothes? nothing, bland and very basic unexpressable bullshits. tried thrifting but there's not much my size that I like and it's full of polyester slop. forgot to write, I don't do self harm. I just wanted to d*e painlessly, there's not a single day without thinking about k*****g myself since knowing the concept of death at a young age in which everything I worked hard for life that we cannot bring afterlife, if there is such.

It's not that I hate being called emo, I don't hate it at all, it's just that I'm confused.. I don't think I belong with you guys because any community doesn't feel welcome anymore and you guys are too cool and me? can't even reach at your level.  I wanna get this shit off my chest for a long time and I think it's time for me to write this.