void

I was a very happy person in school, some see me as an artist and most of the time they see me as a very goofy person in general. I loved studying and singing also.

But those interests started to fade because I've been hiding someting.

For the past years, i've been struggling with my mental health. My mind couldn't function properly because of the undeniable feeling of loneliness. Even with friends who makes me happy, my mind keeps saying im lonely.

i don't know how to explain it, im always clueless, clueless about my own body and myself in general. Zoning out is my only way to escape this cycle so all the time, i always answer even if i dont really know what the others are talking about. 

"Hey? Whats the subject?" 

"I don't know, math?"

"Dude we're in english"

Something like that, although sometimes it feels like im joking, it certainly isn't. It's hard to open up with my friends. I don't want them to worry about me all the time.

It's like being in a void, an empty black void. Your body floats in it, unable to move, stuck in the same pace. There are times i cry and it hurts.

There are times i dont know what to talk about because i am drained. So to make the conversation not awkward, i sort of bring up random stuff or do small talk.

Just earlier, i broke down on our class. My friend comforted me, i told her that i was tired. I'm tired of being frustrated, im tired of everything. Where was the girl who loved studying? Where was the confidence of singing? 

I'm not even top of the class anymore, i was mentally drained. No one knows why, not even that friend who comforted me, not even my family. I broke up with that lusty ex i had because he was talking to ai chatbots. He doesn't even know my favourite color. All people i had in a relationship with treated me horribly, even if it was a highschool love, i truly believed they were my forever because i longed for love and comfort ever since i was young. 

There's this one guy. We've met when we were in daycare growing up, hes in our friendgroup now in school. when me and the ex broke up, he was there. we listened to music together, he was so sweet. I've had a crush on him many times before, but its always the wrong timing. While i hanged out with him, there was this different feeling. His eyes as he talks to me shined, he gives me such reassurring smile, I am scared to address my own feelings so i kept my love from him a secret, like how i kept my struggles. He saw me cry earlier, and ive never felt so humiliated. I humiliated my own self. I truly love him, i just dont know if he does. I'm mentally ill anyway, theres no one that could love someone as imperfect as me. I don't know how to open up to him now, he might think im a guilttripper. I hope he doesn't set me aside, i hope he still remembers me. He isn't chatting me right now and im scared to let him go. 

Maybe in my dreams, I'd get to hold his hand. Maybe i could tell i love him with no judgement. I hate how i feed my delusions for someone who might not have the same feelings as me. I wish there was a way to save myself. I miss my own same mind that i used to be.