i'm sad again

I was doing great; I really was. I've not always had the easiest time and in 2021 I made my way to online friends, I "recruited" them, which was great; for a while. If you were there you know it wasn't good. In 2020-2022 everyone turned gay or bisexual or trans or queer. I personally went bisexual (omni but no one knew/knows what that is) I watched as the labels dropped and my confidence in my sexuality did too. Why is my friend who a week ago was a demi-girl, she/they, greysexual lithromantic suddenly a bisexual female. Why is she a week after that a straight woman. A year passes and she could never imagine being with a woman. I watched it happen both in real life and online. I'm not saying it's not possible to have at times felt that way, and that things could've changed; but in the rise of conservatism it shows that 2020 scared politicians and people because the world wasn't ready yet. I was thriving, depressed sure, but myself.

In the coming years I became more and more unsure of my sexuality and started dressing more "basic". I was getting happier and usually when asked how I was doing in a so called " bad period" I used to always say: "I could be worse, at least it's not 2021 and I'm not a sad kid anymore". However last year and this year with the rise of swag and different niches and me having been in my very first woman loving woman relationship where I actually did more than chatted once a day. We made out since the first time we met and I loved every second of it. She wasn't "alt" but she was more alternative than she was basic which gave me the confidence to try to relive the 2022 downtown girl style I fell in love with, but wasn't bold enough to execute. I have since then acquired pieces which I love and treasure. 

I fear the more I find myself and my true style the more I feel "performative". I hate that word, I don't like the rise of performance that is currently happening because I know this style and phase I'm in right now is the same I had on my pinterest board in 2022 but I feel it's not me; sure, it's new and all but it's different. I'm all I wanted to be at twelve years old, a queer "coolgirl" dressing teenage girl. It however doesn't feel like me. 

You may wonder where the "i'm sad again" part comes to play? well, here. I recently have been constantly ashamed, anxious and on edge. That all comes with the mental illnesses I've collected over the years. My OCD has been "flaring up" (idk if you can call it that, i am, sue me) (please don't) and I know it's most likely the stress. I also have the weight of maybe not being fully over the girl nor the guy I was talking to on my shoulders; as well as my sexuality in general. I have a newish friend and she and I discovered though talking that she is very much not straight. She's fine with it and I love her already don't get me wrong but holy fuck can a person be jealous. How has she not struggled with it all her life, how is it not affecting her thoughts as it did mine how is it not all she can think about, the first thing she thinks when waking up and last when she goes to sleep. I've had such a hard time with it; don't get me wrong I wouldn't get thrown on the street or anything but I wouldn't be exactly accepted immediately either. I know that's hard, school's stressful and yet I've survived more than I have left and I have no idea how eleven year old me made it out of her head without actually going insane or getting sent somewhere. Anyway the point is I've recently been struggling with the same thoughts I did during the period which I've told everyone "at least it's not 2021". Obviously life isn't easy but I wasn't expecting having this thrown at me any time soon, maybe ever again. 

Hopefully it's just my upcoming period talking and in two weeks time I'll look at this text/essay/monologue and think to myself "what the actual fuck was she on about". Let's hope. 

-Ames, please leave kudos if you enjoyed !! <3