nonsense

i feel like im doing this to myself. like i keep reminding myself of the things that make me sad because i cant let go. sometimes i have a reason. a reason to cry my eyes out in the night, just so i dont have to wake up to do something in the morning, as if not doing anything and beating myself up about it later is any better. i feel empty. im not motivated enough to do anything. i dont want to do anything. i dont like not doing anything but i dont like doing something more. i know there are things to do, i could write the whole list, but i cant bring myself to even write that list. its like i got in this spiral and i cant get out. its like i gave up trying, because trying never got me anywhere. no matter what i did i will always end up sad, wanting to end it completely. and i will be okay, i always am. but not fully. and thats the problem. i can dye my hair, wear clothes i like, do my nails, do my make up but my face doesnt change. i can wear any clothes but my body will never feel right. i look around my room for the thousandth time in a day wondering it its real. it feels like the life i enjoyed watching before bore me out. like i cant enjoy it anymore cause i know there are more things in my life to worry about than things i enjoy. i know thats not true, i like a lot of things. but it doesnt quite outweighs the problems that cant go away. i miss when world was simple. when i liked the life i watched from my eyes with minimal control over what i did. its like my body is moving but my mind stays the same. which i know isnt true, i change, develop and mature all the time. but everything is moving so fast anyway