The experience of not having friends.

this is gonna be my first blog, hope its cool.

today in my private lesson, my teacher who's a really friendly and cool guy asked me if i have friends. i stood there for a moment, then said no, he asked why? i also stood silent for a moment. and told him not many would like to be my friends. and that my intrests are pretty different than kids my age, he asked, so you do you hang out? i said no, he said what do you do then? i explained my intrests pretty quick without getting too deep, he kinda smiled and he looked like he felt guilty for me.

so at this moment i kinda thought, how was it for me, cause i didn't even notice i turned 16 with 0 friends whatsoever.

so yes, like the title says, not having friends, and i'm not gonna be talking about a story of my friend betraying me or something, i'm talking not having friends since forever, how it was being a kid and how it was growing up without friends,

currently i'm 16 and this june ill be 17, and yet I never had any actual friends, i'm not gonna say online friends count, cause literally everything between me and online people are just a game server, and I never talk with them again.

 as a kid in school i've always seen my classmates spending times with their friends, i loved the concept of seeing someone share their hobbies and not caring about how much time they spend with their friend. it felt wholesome, especially that we were just kids. nothing in our minds but having fun and enjoying what life was.

i personally had a difficulty talking with people, let alone being friends with one, not to mention im pretty different than many people around me, my intrests arent ones an average kid my age would  be intrested in, and i'm talking about my generation in general, as a kid i thought                                    "it's just about time, maybe when i'm a little older i'll meet people and find a good friend"

of course I was a kid and I thought that anything too good for me as a kid would do-able when im older,

although, I still had terrible time being alone as a kid,

 i grew up building hobbies to entertain myself from people around me, not to brag but im a fast learner in many stuff, including english, yes english isn't my first language, im originally from egypt.

i also loved tech, but i wasn't that good, i knew how pirate games and stuff like that, for a 10 yo its phenomenal tbh (probably for me) but either way i knew my way into one of my favorite hobbies or even more than just a hobby, gaming, its where you can do anything, i may leave gaming topic for another blog if i have time.

but yes, i wasn't smart enough to know how to play pirated games online, cause still i was looking for online friends.

and started having my current permanent music taste, rock, not every kind of rock, like sometimes indie, sometimes metal, sometimes soft rock, its still rock. and i loved LP (linkin park) and still do. but yeah i did enjoy rock at the time.

but i did play video games to distract myself from people around me, it was my escape from being without friends. still though, i did not have any friends. like none.

then a few years later, im 13.

ive developed more love for gaming, and started loving more hobbies, watching movies and series, and not just watching, i loved (and still do) analyzing movies, like knowing the art of directors, writers, actors weren't what made me intrested in a movie like how the director does. not saying i don't like actors, many deserve all kinds of awards for their phenomenal acting.

but yeah i did love looking into the credits of many movies just to know the amazing people behind this masterpiece.

and i discovered a new hobby. reading, but i didnt like reading any books, just comics. which i truly loved, cause cmon im 13 how could i not love comics, and i think i'll still read them until im dead lol.

and i evolved in knowing much about tech, i started doing tests on my old 2007 pc by opening it and learning it's hardware components, i kept installing all kinds of operating systems on it, i was loving the tests, it was exhausting when something fails but that was the fun of, it distracted me from also not having friends.

while people around me were not only making friends, but they were also dating,

not that i wanted to date at that age, but like, they're knowing people more than just making friends. and im still like how i am.

then at 15, my hobbies became much more bigger. modding consoles, acting like a movie critic when watching a movie, learning more about software and hardware than ever.

got a laptop and ps4 and starting doing more hobbies on them. i was even trying to read books. the one thing i hated as a kid, and i read a biography book about an important youtube figure who's egyptian, hes called el da7ee7, he's a really cool guy i truly love his videos, he's alot like vsauce. anyways not to get too deep. i loved biography books and then started reading all kinds, novels still stuck to me the most, but still i loved comics more.

and i started learning guitar by watching tutorials and knowing chords, strings, and yk. i wasnt planning to get a guitar yet tho.

and i stopped using social media. did a digital detox. and im as good as ever without social media, the only social apps i use is discord (for asking about stuff i need help with when surfing the web doesnst help) and spacehey.                                                                                                      dunno if steam, ps, xbl counts as social but yeah

but to get it short. i still did not have any friends..

now that im 16, i'm having fun as much as ever, i have a job now that i use its money to get stuff i struggled to get. and now im learning more about soldering and guitar. and im collecting consoles apparently, saving for a ps3 and a guitar. and i still don't have any friends.

i may have talked more about hobbies i developed throughout the years more than the actual experience, simply because, there isn't much to talk about. i just never had friends.

what do I think about it?                                                                                                              * it's pretty good actually. not all the times, I get peace almost all of the time. no dramas. no fights. nothing too serious. still theres a downside, the one everyone sees. loneliness. its still not that terrible. ive gotten used to it

so just cause I dont have friends doesnt mean I dont make any contacts with people, i talk to people. either strangers or family.

Conclusion: sure I may sound as happy as ever learning all these stuff and getting hobbies and leaving bad habits like social media. but still im alone as ever when I get a chance to achieve something good. fix something. learn something, do something.

i don't get the chance to share anything. i basically keep whatever 'something' i did to myself as a memory, a good one.

P.S: this blog was not made to make anyone feel sad for me or any of this shit, im just sharing a experience normally, nothing serious.

thank you for reading.

-bro.