Vent blog for 1/6/26 - TW bad mental health stuff

hi everyone! heres my vent blog for 1/6/26 some content has been blanked out to follow the sites rules, so you will see a lot of (removed) here and there. just try your best to fill in the blanks. i post these just to get things off my chest and to see if anyone resonates with them and maybe we can find some common ground through our problems.

I don't like journaling. I think this is the 10th attempt at it. Maybe I've been doing it wrong. My hand gets tired of writing on paper although it feels more sentimental. I like talking to myself. Maybe an audio journal would be better, but that's kind of dumb. I don't want to hear myself talk. Because you never know when one day I want to come back to these and reread them. Because I'm gay like that.

Today I found myself hanging out with my mom. It was nice. Her doctor's appointment went well and I even got to get some tinned fish. We ate it together and it was good. My mind goes blank trying to recall today's events. Maybe because they all feel so fleeting.

I keep catching myself talking to myself. It's funny. I ramble about my problems as if I have a therapist in front of me, pretending they are able to actually understand my problems. I know that's not true. No matter how many therapists I go to, they tell me I'm too in tune with my feelings and thoughts. They are surprised how much I know about myself. Well when you find yourself in a shitty situation with no doctor's around, you end up doing your own research to find out what's wrong with you. Resourceful.

I'm waiting for my insurance card to come in so I can make my appointment with a psychiatrist. And I'll finally have medication. I'm nervous and excited and scared. I'm scared they won't work and that I'll be stuck being the same old me, stuck in the same pattern and routine. Or I'm scared they will work, but I lose qualities of myself I like. Maybe it's for the best. Honestly I'm just sick and tired. Sick and tired of myself and my ways. It's pathetic, really, watching myself deteriorate everyday and burying myself deeper and deeper into the hole of disgust. I'm starting to get more and more afraid and anxious of going outside. Like everyone is looking at me and picking out the worst things about myself. I feel them judging me, I can. The way they stare or talk to me. I get delusional sometimes and I begin to think I'm someone beautiful and stunning and there must be a reason why they talk to me that way or look at me that way. And then I snap myself back to reality and realize what's really happening. No matter what I think or do, there is nothing that will change how I see myself. A heap of trash trying to lie and cheat their way into thinking life is good. Life is not good. One minute I'm happy, joyful and thanking the universe for these small wonderful moments. The next, I look back and think how (removed) that was. How stupid and idiotic I thought I could be to think I could be happy. I don't deserve happiness. I never did and never will. The fleeting moments of happiness are just that. Fleeting. Because one day I will die. And everything I knew and cared for and loved will die with me. Because we will all die one day. A truth I can not accept. I think about how back in March of 2025 I was deep into another episode of my depressional spiral or whatever the word for it is. (removed section) The idea of death was there. Just floating. In the ups and downs of the past month, the amount of times (removed) myself have also gone up and down. Together as one. The same could be said about my feeling and emotions of death. I would be depressed and craving death. Then the next I would be happy, yet okay with death. Then I would be depressed because of death itself. The fear of dying. Then I would be happy and scared, terrified of death. Now I feel numb again. Knowing everything I love will pass. So then I ask myself "I really don't matter do I?" because one day, when I die, my existence and being and thoughts and emotions and relationships will fade. People will say, "she was my friend." Was. Was as in past tense. Because I will be gone. I will no longer exist, therefore I will not matter. I never did. It's hard accepting death, but when you realize your own life's importance is probably less than a single percent, it gets easier. Not too long ago I cried heavily, knowing I will cease to exist. My thoughts and feelings will vanish. Yet it's comforting to know my feelings and thoughts of suffering will follow me. They, too, will vanish. With me. So maybe bit by bit, I will be able to accept death and it's cold embrace.

I've poured myself a tall glass of self hatred and depression. I've finished my drink and now I can move on.

I hate the people around me. Not in a deep deep kind of way, the way you want their guts to spill out so they can rot and die. Its a feeling of hate that can be translated to "I don't appreciate your way of thinking, believing, saying, doing, and the entire package, but it's who you are and I know you can not change or refuse to change so I will attempt to mask this feeling with love or good energy or friendliness". Of course there are people I know that are I feel nothing, but love for. I can not ever hate them, unless they do something that I deem "hatred" for under the terms I've laid out just now. I just learned that I can dislike people for what they do. I guess hate maybe is a strong word. Whatever. I dislike people around me. My sister is a good example. I love her, but my love for her only goes so far. It used to be not only a love for my blood sister because, duh we are sisters. But also a love from her knowing I was accepted by her. Knowing we had things in common and how she saw some value in the things I liked or the things she knew I was passionate about. She respected my values, respected me. Now it's become the "she's my sister therefore I love her" kind of love. Spending time with her as become...insufferable. How can I word it without sounding awful or just cringe? She's become so far right, so utterly insufferable with her stupid (rewording: beliefs in a certain kind of faith) that she doesn't even realize the complete fucking idiotic hypocrite she has become. She claims people can't take a joke or are too sensitive when she herself has slowly become that way. That's good enough.

It's incredible how a way of thinking, believing, and doing change a person. That's a fact for who my sister has become. Parading around thinking she is holier than thou. It's too materialistic for her, she's given up worldly possessions that don't matter. Fine. But that gives her no right to judge others or make comments for what others do because that is their life. She wants to nicer to people because in the (book) it says so. "I want to follow in (his)' footsteps. I want to be like (him)!" she says. Okay, sure, maybe stop being such a fucking (removed) ass (removed)? How about stop demonizing and hating people for their mere existence. She can sit there and claim it's all a joke but I've known her for so long. Some things aren't a joke. When she talks about the things I absolutely despise, I don't react or laugh or add to it. Because why should I waste time on someone who's too far gone. Far gone from being the person I loved and knew so well. I don't feel comfortable sharing my feelings and Ideas with her anymore. I don't want to be near her sometimes. Yet of course, the sisterly love I have for her won't fade. Unless she does something I deem "too much" that I will cut ties with her. I'm honestly afraid that in the future, I will have to make that decision. For my sanity and well being. I miss my old sister. I often want to cry because I wonder what happened? What made her into this mess. The women who believes in a "loving" (removed), yet acts like a complete fucking hateful nut job.

thats it! a reminder that this is simply to get things off my chest. if you dont like it, feel free to block me. if you comment "bros posting this for attention" then thats just how you feel and i respect that. i simply post this to again, get this off my chest and to see if anyone else deals with or struggles with things i struggle with.