𐦍 january 2026

Ever since I graduated, things haven't exactly been how I imagined they would be. It's been difficult, with no new difficulties I can point to, just a little bit of everything. But these past two months... !!! could be the worst yet. They've truly been two challenging months.

Apparently, our torment is never enough, and we have to deal with silly things on top of everything else. I had to ditch my nail appointment which I was really looking forward to. My hair color looks uneven, like burnt toast. My skin is breaking out. I'm at my limit. 

I normally don't like documenting my unhappiness. It feels weird, and it feels like those negative emotions could stick around if I complain too much. I'm superstitious like that. But, this is an emergency kinda like situation.

I want to introduce to you to this blog's vibes. Just a little heads up.

I'm sorry. You can't take the emo out of the girl. #yeahimemoproblem? Anyone who doesn't align with those vibes, should stop reading, because I'll be talking about some heavy emotions and not everyone may want to expose themselves to that kind of negativity.

As the famous Tumblr quote goes: My blog is a safe space for me. The rest of you are in danger I think.

It's really been a hard day, on top of the two months I had. Ughhh!!!! I still feel all uneasy, and the rest of the week probably won't be any different... 

On top of everything, I have 0 GB left, so I've been doing A LOT of thinking. I can't talk about what's actually bothering me, but there's this one thing that seems trivial -but actually isn't- I can talk about. I'll take any opportunity I have to release some unwanted energy. So here it goes.

It seems I'll actually be able to complete one of my new year's resolutions -and this early into the year too- after all.

One of my resolutions -one I didn't include in the list on my blog- was to understand social cues better. Doesn't that sound so ...messed up? Like, people learn that skill as kids. I don't really know what my strong suits are but communication is definitely not one of them.

Anyways. So, recently, on the morning of Jan 1st to be exact, I sent a happy new year's text to a friend with lots of emojis: some stars, a disco ball, a pair of champagne glasses, and then more stars. They replied with a thank you text. I went about my day as normal, not noticing something was off with their message, something was... missing. Wonder what that is...

Which brings us to today—almost a week later. I think I've been dismissing the fact that I never got something as simple as a ''happy new year to you, too'' back from them.

We already didn't talk much. I know people drift apart sometimes, living in different cities obviously doesn't help either. But... what kind of a monster am I that they didn't even bother sending such a casual text? Isn't saying ''you too'' like some kind of instinct?

A while after I started thinking that I should give them space, they sent me a couple videos. Whew... I'm not yet a monster. They were probably hangover that morning, it makes sense. I promise I'm super chill when it comes to stuff like this, with social media engagement in general—I don't want anyone to feel like they're walking on eggshells around me; but for a moment there, it all felt too real, like that friend just wanted me to take a hint. Not gonna lie.

So, that was the trivial thing I wanted to talk about. It may have sorted itself out, but I still feel weird about it all. It's just been a rough couple of weeks, I'll get over it... I probably will.

A moment of weakness, a lapse in judgement later... (meaning I bought instant noodles) I've come to a decision.

A wise deer friend warned me about this exactly the moment I needed it, but the need to -hell, the URGE to- self-isolate is... there, and I can't help it but use it as a coping mechanism.

I normally don’t hesitate to reach out to trusted friends when I feel down. And I LOVE it when someone reaches out to me when they do, like, thank you for trusting me enough to open up??? That’s one of the best feelings ever.

But lately… I’ve been feeling like I don't deserve to be in anyone's life. I’ve been thinking about slowly pulling away from things, and then all at once. I know it sounds like overkill.

There are just too many people out there, most of them better than me... believe it. It's not like I could make a difference in anyone's life; it's not like I'm needed anywhere.

I take all of this even further: I can't help but think that I don't deserve to be close to anyone at all. I'm like if a girl were poison, and I wish this were in a girlboss way or something, but it’s not.

This also means that I’ll be taking a break from blogging. It’s actually heartbreaking for me. The only thing I've enjoyed over the past couple of months has been creating little layouts for my silly little blogs :( I’m big on design so ideas are still there, but I just don’t know what to fill them with anymore. I don’t want to express myself right now.

Idk, I try to hype myself up so badly, but I start every single day with the thickest cloud of dread hanging over me.

I've tried at least a hundred times to reflect and find peace, but I still feel like I'm not enough. I feel so uninteresting, embarrassing, unworthy of effort, emotionally immature, and like someone no one would ever want to be around.

Last year, I flunked an exam -a medical specialty exam- this badly for the first time in my life, and it seems like I'll fail to get the score I want on the next one, too, which is in 2.5 months. I started off motivated, but studying all the diseases, especially the ones related to the big bad c-word, makes me stare at the pages and zone out for hours.

I wanted to become either a pathologist, geneticist, histologist, or microbiologist. Laboratory supremacy!!! I don't know if I can work in any of these fields anymore. AI will take them all over anyway... right? haha... definitely... :(

It feels like I'll wander forever, with no place to go and nowhere I can truly belong. What am I even supposed to do anymore? I don't know. Pulmonology doesn't sound so bad... and maybe I could further specialize in Allergology after that. Or maybe PM&R? It’s already in high demand, but maybe I could do it if I really put my mind to it. I should just choose something, it will never be what I dreamt of anyway.

I don't want to act all mopey about this, but I'm scared. I'm not sure if I can handle working interacting with people all day, yet alone patients—fragile people. The not-so-fragile ones scare me too: people who are perfectly okay with being as rude and selfish as they can be to someone they don't even know. 

I'm not built for any of these things. Maybe, just maybe, I can become stronger and learn to control my reactions to things beyond my control. Maybe then I can save myself from a path that leads to burnout and dissatisfaction.

Anyways. Long story short, I want to be completely alone for the foreseeable future. Believe it or not, it'll be easier that way. I'll be okay. 

This is my last entry before a long hiatus. I'll pause these monthly posts as well as all my other blog posts. Hopefully everything will be better when I feel well enough to engage with the world again.

Much loves!