Tell the people you love that you love them.

So, this is hard. It's completely devastating, honestly, um... the way that I found out even, it's just the worst possible way. Um, I've got to give some backstory here.

Around 2012, 2013-ish was -- and this is saying something -- was the worst time in my life. I barely lived through it. And I don't even have any of the, of the people that I was... I guess friends, I -- it was really strange.

But I literally found out that the person that was probably my best friend during that time, died months ago. It took months for me to find out that this person that was so important to me died because nobody that was in my life at that point. I... They were all, for various reasons, not in touch with me anymore. And he wasn't either.

He, um, I fell for the oldest trick in the book, the oldest game that an addict can play. I fell for it. See, he picked a fight one time and um, just said, said all kinds of awful things to me. And that was the last time that I ever talked to him or heard from him. I, the only comfort that I have there is that I, in that entire tirade that he unleashed on me when he was being so terrible, and saying everything that he calibrated as perfectly as he could to hurt me... I never stopped telling him It's not like that, I do care about you. 

And that was still the last time that I talked to him because he hurt me very badly in that call. And well, you know, obviously I thought he doesn't want anything to do with me. And he also alienated his best friend very badly. So they fell out for years and um... apparently, the rest of the story is that he got sober, or was getting sober or, or, something like that. 

And he and this other friend did reconcile and they were talking a lot and... I don't know what happened. But I guess something took a turn and he, several months ago, took his own life. And it took this long for me to find out. And I'm eviscerated.

 

He probably thought that I didn't want him to be around either, any more than I thought that he wanted me around, but he told this other friend at one point that he was sorry for the way that he treated me. But there was never an opportunity to tell me that. 

And I, I never got to tell him that I still loved him.

I would have been his friend again in a heartbeat if I thought that he would have wanted that. 

He saved me from doing same thing so many times when we were friends, so many times. And I was not there for him. I could not return the favor.

I wasn't there for him.

Tell the people you love that you love them. Tell them. Tell them. Please tell them.

And if you feel like that... If you feel that way that nobody that has been there needs any explanation for, and if you haven't ever felt it, there's no way to explain it to you. That place, that place that I know he was in, that place that he saved me from...

I know it's hard. I know it's damn near impossible. But please, don't. Please. Stay.

Please, stay.

All of the best times in my life came after that. Came after the times when I wanted it to be over. Without him being there when I needed someone, I would not have had any of this.

And he never will.

And he deserved better.

There are lots of people who would say I'm wrong about that.

But he did deserve better.

And I loved him so much. And at the end, he didn't know.

He didn't know.

Tell them. Please.