good evening lovely's

TW self harm subjects 

I hate talking about this, I don't want to feel like I'm grabbing for attention or like I'm doing this for attention I just gen need to talk about it, I really want to get clean for my bf and he made me throw away my good razor that i stole from my stepdad and so I thought that would make it better, I found old exacto knifes and started doing it with those, they are fairly dull so I thought it may make me want to stop bc i wasnt getting the rsulet that i wanted, that was not the case, it made my need for that reaction worse, my bf is so pationt with me and trys so hard to help me but i gen dont know if i can get better, i want to, for him, so bad, more than anything, he means the world to me and hes the reason im still here i just, idk its so hard for me to stop, its the only time i can really make sence of anything or the fact that im real and time is real and the world is spinning and things live and die, i want to hurt enogh to see that and comprehend it and write aboute it and make it into somthing beautiful, im so lost and my brain is wrongand the old thing right in my world is my boy.