online failed teenage experiment (diary)

01/05 at around 10 am

hello so basically i uh tried to hold on for too long on people, especially online people because i suck at basic conversations with people ( i dont have any social skills its actually scary )

i used to base my entire mood and personality around the people id meet on the internet, and it destroyed me. if they were ghosting me it was a real tragedy. i let myself go and became the worst version possible of me. 

i forgot who i am and that i have a few irl friends that i can actually count on. and, i forgot that i have the most trustful person on earth by my side, which is myself. it might seem weird but i arrived to a point where i can only really trust myself. its weird 

01/05 1 pm

this site is actually sooo great but ugh i cant code so the profile customisation is a pain in the ass.................  

anyways uhhh my sleep schedule is kinda fucked so ill js go to sleep, see yaaaaa

01/05 3 pm

jake why couldnt u tell me that u found someone else. why have u made me wait for months and months to talk to you, i really thought u tried to commit, i really believed all the bullshit and lies u told me, i really believed everything. i saw u in game with someone else, i saw u in the city with her, u were trying to hide it all.

why did u make me feel loved and important, for once in my life. i really really really hate you. ill never do the same mistake again.

01/06 3 am

i just hate that feeling. i feel like im being replaced. why do they’ll tell you lies with a straight face but can’t even hide it. like damn..! it’s so obvious. just tell me that u are tired of me and want to move on. i’ll understand, stop telling that you love me and stop making me feel important, just for u to lie, lie, and lie again. 

there’s so much snow in my neighbourhood, i wanted to drive a little bit with my mom’s car but im too scared to slip and crash the car ;(. and its pretty late anyway

01/07 5 am 

i think the lack of sleep is catching up on me slowly, i see ghosts. 

i wanted to talk about something in particular, because i am stuck inside and i have nothing to do basically, apart from rotting and playing cs (kill me)

have you noticed how tiktok is so braindead? like omg, i created an account a few days ago because one of my friends is posting her valorant clips andf i wanted to show her some love(first i noticed how much emo she's pretending to be, like she's writing some stuff like ''new year same me blah blah"in order to get boys to like her, whateverrr) 

thats not the most important part, the most important is how much everything is oversexualised, like whattttttttttttt. usually when i doomscroll my mind is on autopilot and im not really aware of what i stumble across, but somethings are just straight up disgusting. i fucking fucking fucking hate how much porn and everything around it is normalised, like what?????? and in the comments they are all spamming disgusting images..................................................................................................................................................... 

ugh. i dont really know what to say, apart from the fact that i deleted my account right after and never going back to that app.

i wanna stop college, it fucking sucks. i have some exams tmrw but i think ill just go, write my name on them, and leave. i think ill just work and figure out what to do the next year

01/07 1 pm

just found out that my friend has been sa... 

she lives so far away i cant do anything about it... dammit. 

01/08  2 am

i have to take a chem exam at around 7 am and i cant sleep rahhhh. didnt study for it, im gonna fail anyways, i think ill just think abt life and play fortnite until ill go