everything sucks but atleast theres a cd player

i FINALLY got my hands on my nice cd player from my moms where it has been sadly collecting dust for years even tho its a really nice player. i also finally got some blank cds and a burner so i am free to do whatever i want. i havent really burned anything yet for real but i did put all my ben folds on one (which is crucial. dude is one of my biggest musical inspirations.) and i also ripped the donnie darko soundtrack on one which is based. i really want to be one of those old dudes with like 17 cd binders that are like genuinely about to bust at the seams. unfortunately im unbelievably poor right now so paying for anything thats like fun and brings joy is out of the question rn, but when my moneys up im gonna do my best to go to the thrift regularly and check the cds there and probably the records too even tho my record player is fucked lol but i wanna get a good collection going of both things, cds are priority tho. 

my roommates gf is so based and has been analog up until like 2019 so she brought over one of her cd binders for me to rip onto blanks, i just havent done it yet bc ive been a complete zombie for weeks just dealing with life. things have honestly gotten pretty bad not gonna lie. this is probably the worst its been and if it gets any worse dead ass i have no idea what to resort to. im still jobless and so is my gf AND my roommate so thats awesome. the worst thing is that i didnt have alot in savings to begin with and had to use it to pay rent this month and it was precarious but fine, but i had to take all 3 of our cats to the vet the other day and it was like 400 bucks from savings, so after that between my checking and my savings i literally had enough money total to afford rent next month and nothing else. so i had a hysterical breakdown just like sobbing and screaming on the way home. 

i got home afterward and my dad called me, i had been visiting him the night before, and he was like hey i forgot to ask last night when you were at the house but do yall need help with anything? and i like started weeping immediately and he was like i can send u 100 if that helps at all which it does lol so that was really nice of him considering we are only just now really starting to reconnect and get to know eachother. and then i texted my grandmother much to my chagrin and was like honestly i did not want to do this because youve already helped me enough lately with helping me get my dental issues settled but i am about to not be able to afford to live so i unfortunately have to ask for help. and she was like you know we always have your back things will get better and she sent me some money too and i just cried and cried. so for right now it isnt as dire as it was a few days ago but im still gonna be kinda fucked for rent unless i am randomly bestowed a million dollars in the next few weeks (god if youre real please come thru) 

aside from all that bullshit, i was rewatching the lotr trilogy with my roommate and i remembered i have the whole trilogy and the hobbit and i was like i need to actually read them. back when i was still like religiously addicted to reels and my phone in general i dead ass like forgot how to read and absorb literature which was crazy and so shameful to me because i was a huge english nerd in highschool and i loved to read and i was good at writing essays and enjoyed it, but after highschool i ended up becoming like basically braindead. but now that im like mostly offline and dont use my phone for anything except its basic functions and like playing 2048 and two dots my brain has started working again. so i started fellowship the other day and i am really enjoying it. i feel like people always make a big deal about tolkiens writing being 99% describing scenery and shit but its always an exaggeration. sure he does put alot of focus on the environment, but i mean he literally made the map of middle earth before he even started writing so like duh? its like extremely important to the plot to know where things are and what they look like. also it doesnt feel like a drag to read like everyone always complains about, its not a difficult read at all and i feel like people kind of exaggerate that as well a good bit. ive been a lotr fan since i was like super young so most of the information i already know, but its really nice to get more of the little things. like, ive seen the movies a gajillion million times and love them alot, and ive definitely consulted text from the book to answer questions or fill gaps from what you see in the films, but i just hadnt sat down to actually read it for some reason. i guess just being paralyzed by a new task. but im enjoying that right now. 

i also finally wrote a song tonight after not being able to write anything good or at all for like months. i like this one alot, i let my gf listen to it and she said its actually her favorite of mine so far and shes heard alot of my stuff so thats a nice compliment. i want to start working it up soon, but since nobody has a job we’re all home, so i never have the apt to myself anymore to record. our apartment is super small and my keyboard and equipment is literally in the living room lol so i cant do shit when anyones home. i mean i could ask them to like leave the room i guess but 1. thats annoying and 2. i just dont like recording and working on music when anyone else can hear me. which sounds counterproductive and kind of antithetical to the craft but i dunno, i feel like i always work and make my best when its just me all to myself. no outside influence or distraction. feels safer for me to explore that way, instead of getting in my head about what someone else might be hearing while i do so. 

anyways thats my spiel. if ur reading this i hope u are chilling and having a good day/night.