cleansing myself of presumptuous idiot suitors

so, i have officially taken the cleansing bath recommended by the lovely @murdo_x ! even if this doesn't work, i highly recommend it to anyone struggling with turbulent relationships (instructions are under my last blog post ! give it a go, u deserve to give urself a chance). 

i'm a chronic people pleaser, and famously extremely forgiving of bad behaviour. BUT ! 2026 is the year of the horse, flowing locks, freedom and self-possessiveness. i'm really, really working on changing mindset, and i guess that starts internally. i forget that i belong to myself, that the world won't fall apart if i stand up for myself and assert myself as deserving consideration (allegedly. when i've practised this recently, my world has very much fallen apart). things really do feel like they're crumbling in my hands as i hold them. but, i suppose if certain people's treatment of me was entirely dependent on how far they could push what i'd give them, how much i'd let them get away with, they weren't really worth it.

i'm trying to tell myself that. it's (shockingly) hard to attach myself to this thinking when i know that this isn't a faceless figure i'm talking about. 

i know them, i love them, i've been insanely intimate with them (unwittingly, i have to add- he snuck into my room whilst i was in the shower and read my diary). i could recognise this person off of his laugh, the way he walks, the way he smells. they've carved out a piece of me and now i have to let them go, i can feel fault-lines in myself giving way.

but i've survived it before this ! quite a bit recently actually. i blame my changing behaviour on you, alice. i wouldn't be making these changes if i didn't know how it feels to be loved unconditionally by you. without our piers-stalking wine nights, spaderthons, long-running insane bits, i think i'd still be making excuses, and taking non-spiritually cleansing baths. thank you for everything.

if you're also someone who is pretty useless with living for yourself, please, please, give yourself a fighting chance. this hurts like hell, but change doesn't just turn up and smack u in the face. get out there and beat it into submission. i think we can do this.

year of the horse, remember?