dysphoria and that gay hockey show

i was going to put this in the movies category, but heated rivalry isn't the main thing i want to talk about, although i would love to lol

i finished the series a few days ago. there were many things i liked and didn't like about it. i was very excited when i started it, then it kind of dimmed because i kept noticing little things, and finally you could say i got used to it(?) and it has consumed all my thoughts the past few days. i love it!!!!

and that's how i felt for a bit after finishing it, but then i started feeling veeery melancholic and i couldn't really place it at first, although this, of course, wasn't the first time i felt like that for a show; i can't be normal about things i love hehe

it has made me feel a bit hopeless. the two main characters, although they each have their own serious problems and issues with their relationship, they have loooove ooo, but also something that i, a trans man, feel like i can never have. a relationship like the one between two cis men seems so unreachable. and i'm not talking about body parts, although that does bug me a bit lol. 

the freedom to express the masculinity and also vulnerability, without one canceling out the other. the way they can be around each other without gender stereotypes building a sort of 'wall' of miscommunication between them or a specific dynamic/roles that they are supposed to follow because of how they were born. 

***slight spoilers following*** just seeing those two act like boys (boys will be boys, but a much more healthy version heh), playing fucking ball in the yard of The Cottage, then opening up to each other, and then also getting intimate, all the while no one is getting 'downgraded' to the 'lesser' role in the relationship, they both see each others as equals, as men. it is something so envyable.

the way one acts, views themselves inside society, as well as the way society sees them, based on gender, depends on how they are born and it is something so fragile. the line is so thin and blurry. because it is not sex that creates these differences, but rather socialization, which, again, unfortunately, depends on sex. this difference in socialization between amab and afab people is what creates this huge gap between the masculinity of trans men and cis men; it is all made up and so stupid, but it matters and i am living proof of it damn it!! growing up with an experience is so different from getting it later on in life

but not only that, it is difficult to get that experience, the 'boy experience' as i like to call it, even later on, depending on your familiy, friends, general public, the society you live in, your country, your financial situation, your social status, and yourself. not everyone can afford gender affirming surgery, or even wants to, and even then, it is not certain that you yourself or others will see you the way you want. this shits tuff

this situation of feeling like 'less of a man' carries on into relationships. ive felt it briefly and daaaamn it's not nice. so YES, i am jealous of the cringy cheesy gay hockey enemies to lovers couple.

so THIS happened XD but yea this sucks, i am so melancholic boo hoo, and i cant even do anything about it because [see above]. did anything i say make sense? you should see my writing lel. if something reads weird, it's because english isn't my first language.

i know this is looooong but (i wont make a joke here). has anyone else experienced this? i'd love to hear other opinions for this phenomenon.

happy new years with lots of gay love, i hope no one else gets to feel like this

and that i stop feeling this way some time in the future!