The burden of loneliness

This is my first blog, so i hope im doing this okay. So today i wanted to talk about loneliness, and how its a burden you will have to face your entire life. 

Having to accept being lonley

I think this is the most difficult part of it, ill talk about my personal experience so i can explain it better. When i was little i had no friends, so i would try to change myself for people to accept me, I would copy other girls and try to be like them, I would fake an entire personality just so I have company, even I would put myself in embarrasing situations so they can laugh and see me as funny. I never tried to accept that I was all by myself, instead I tried to change all about me and at first, it worked so I just though its my fault and I still think like that. Even doing all that, the feeling never disappeard. Its difficult to accept how other people with no effort can have meaningful and great friendships while other have to strive everyday to achieve it. 

Dealing with it 

Once you accept it, you will try to deny it, and when you grow up and become a teenager its way worse. Now you not only have to deal with having no friends but with having no relationships. In my personal experience, when i was still learning and changing myself to have friends i descovered what falling in love feels like, the first day is great, but then you remember, you dont even have friends, how can someone like me. Never in my life a guy has asked me out, or asked for my number, or at least show a little interest while i have to hear all the love stories other ppl live. Every guy i liked rejected me, so at this point, what type of black magic or spell did someone put on me? Not only I had to accept not having friends but now not having relationships. Oh also, I think the worst of all is having no connection with your family, thats why i say that its a burden that you will carry forever. How can someone accept not having any friends, not having any partner and not having any family members to rely on. 

How people treat you

If you ever try to explain this to someone, they will tell you to have patience, that friends will come, they will tell you you're lucky for having no partner, and that you are avoiding stress and all that... But who will understand the pain of being different, of trying everyday when other don't have to, of trying to accept something that you do not understand or that is not your fault. You can improve and eventually surround yourself with people, but the trauma Is still there. In my personal experience, whenever i fall in love with someone i wonder how this one will end, how will he reject me, in any minor inconvenience i genuinely suffer, because im used to people leaving me, its my curse, I always blame myself, because there's no explanation at all. If I don't comunicate with someone then its my fault, they left because they didn't know anything about me or how can it affect me, if im way too open then its also my fault, because you're stressing them. If im to shy then its normal for people to not like me. And if im to flashy then its understandable people dont want to talk to me because im weird. Finding myself in this situation honestly breaks my heart everytime, because im not just sad that someone left, but because i see my childself and how i suffered those years. And im sure many people will feel the same as me. Its a curse for all of us.

I hope it didn't sound like  avent but more of a reflection of how you can feel, you can tell me your experience in the comments, thanks you for reading.