can't sleep. fucked for life

i like creed but i never bothered to check how the lead singer looks like until tonight and i'm bothered. there's nothing wrong with his appearance except his face doesnt look like how he sounds like does this make sense. it is disturbing to me when people dont physically resemble the characteristics of their voice. when i look at him all i can think of is a dog that keeps trying to hump your leg and looks really sad when you push it away, and not the vocalist of a band like creed. maybe i'm just being mean i feel very meanspirited tonight and i dont like it very much. i'm sorry creed guy

i am also jacked up on caffeine which happened mostly by blunder (two cups of over-brewed tea before bed because i forgot tea has caffeine in it, i needed something warm to drink because my tongue felt swollen). now it's 4 in the morning and while i'd usually be up at this time anyways i now have the added fun of being really anxious and jittery with the unbearable desire to smash my head into a wall or throw one of my 97643 empty bottles of carbonated water across the room just to see what would happen and if maybe i could smash my window open and get some fresh air in here because the window is stuck and i cant pull it up any further than the inch it's already cracked open. sometimes i become very convinced that i'm being carbon monoxide poisoned or lead poisoned since i live in a 145 year old house that hasn't been renovated since it was built.

when i was a child around aged maybe 5-6 i took ballet lessons and on the outside patio of the dance school i was enrolled in on a rainy day i was showing off to a girl how cool i was for jumping in puddles. there were 3 puddles, each consecutive puddle growing larger in size. i jumped in one, then to the next, and when i landed in the third i slipped and hit my head on the concrete patio and fractured my skull. i remember brief memories of the hospital like the smell of the place and a rocketship on the tile floor but not much else. sometimes i wonder if that left me with any minor brain damage, and if im being carbon monoxide or lead poisoned am i going to get a double whammy of brain damage? im unsure im unsure so much to think about so little time and so little space in my head for me to think without developing a headache that wont go away for 2-3 business days.

on the topic of business i am fed up with my job. grateful that i am able to work a convenient job since it's a family business but utterly horribly fed up with it that just thinking about going into work makes me hurt myself and others. i need a sedative before i go to work like they give to anxious animals before a visit to the vet. i am thinking about making a blog dumping scans of drawing and poems from my sketchbook however i need to scan everything first and i dont have a reliable scanner to use. my dad's printer is an absolute nightmare to get working and so is his computer which i'd have to receive the scans on, then email to myself. i kind of dont want to go anywhere near his computer anymore though because the last time i was on there i saw in his email a conversation with his estranged first child about how miserable he is. well, ok, i'll be out of this house soon i pray so it won't be my concern anymore and he can be miserable all he wants.

all throughout today i've been listening to this hollywood life by suede. i'd embed it into this blog but i cant be bothered to go through all of that at the moment. my home state is flooding (or has it stopped already? i've not been keeping up with the news) and while tragic it makes me hope a bit that maybe this means rent and housing prices will go down and i can afford to move back since people are fleeing... i would be content with dying in a flood as long as it meant being back in my home state because i love that state, i wish we never left, it's all i've ever known and all i ever want to know. mentally i still feel as though i'm 14 years old which is alarming because i turn 20 in 58 days. i am not ready to be 20. hwlp help help help help help help help help help help help help help

i took a bunch of those quizzes that everybody takes on here and on the death one the computer shamans have told me that i will die at 69. i've always been convinced i'll die at 27 but i'll take 69 over that any day because not only is it the funny number but its also the age both david bowie and captain beefheart died at. funny guys. and i do want to grow old, i look forward to growing old regardless of how horrified i am of the concept of turning 20, its just because its 7 years closer to my death date and i cant imagine being ready for tjat in 7 years which scares me but i'd love to be old and tell my old person stories to younger people who'd like to hear them and i'll still be using old tech in how mant years is that 50 years or so because im veyr cool and awesome like that. yes


writing this blog has helped tire me out so i'm going to go pass out now and feel miserable in the morning when i wake up at noon and the sun is beating down on me and i'm sweating to death in the middle of winter. the floater in my eye is shaped like a weenor