UGH why do i miss my ex.

so. this happens pretty often. I do not like him, do not want to be with him. but I genuinely can't listen to some of my favorite music bc I got it from him. Elliott Smith especially, but Jeff Buckley and nirvana remind me of him too. he would call me up and play Ziggy stardust, Starman, about a girl, miss misery, alameda, and 2:45 am and when he would ask me what to play I asked for lover you should've come over by Jeff Buckley. and he played it, he begged me to sing - and I didn't. I was too nervous. I wanted to in person, and we didn't end up doing it. we had a lot of things we didn't end up doing. do things in the moment when you have the chance, dont wait. dont wait for it to be perfect and never do it. God. I miss it, and it was so real and so beautiful. It was raw, and absolutely I was in such awe, I had never been loved before. not like that. I never had a boyfriend. and in my eyes, for the moment it was perfect. it went downhill so fast. and I never could remake that moment. even after, I had a "real" boyfriend and my moments with him were so special, but they didn't match that first feeling. it was weird. it was different, not in a bad way but just different. I wish I couldve changed things and I couldn't I know it would've never worked out. he stayed, he always stayed. and I owe him that, that credit over anything. and I finally pushed him away "for good" but I don't know how long it will last. if he was just a memory apart of 2025, who will ever know. I made it clear that song always reminded me of him. lover you should've come over. he made it clear he wanted that song to remind me of him. he told me, "you want to know me sarah? you want to really know me? listen to lover you should've come over by Jeff Buckley" he told me he regretted every girl, except me. he pulled me back everytime. because he knew he could. he wasnt my first love, but he was my first everything else. that can't be made up. my first kiss, my first date. I don't know. it's 1:26 am. he's not thinking of me. he let me go, because he claimed he loved me unconditionally and he knew we wouldn't work out. and I wouldn't be happy with him. he wanted the best for me, and he always told me he didn't deserve me. but regardless, I wanted him. I didn't want better. the way he said. and I found better, and I enjoyed it. and it fell apart, but it didn't match the heartache and the longing I had with him. even if I was less attracted to him, and he treated me far worse. but it was the connection, it was our hearts intertwined forever, tangled up in a knot. a soultie. I never said that with really almost anybody. but how can you let someone like that go? when you know they only hurt you and you only hurt them when you're put together. but you love each other. through everything. and as Elliott Smith said, everything reminds me of him. even still, all throughout my last relationship and to this day, everything reminds me of him. It's been months. but it's also been days.