Going crazy

I just wanna cry and cry and cry and cry but I'm feeling so numb like I don't feel anything I hate it I hate it cuz is either I don't feel anything or I feel to much and I forgot the last time I actually cried I feel so bad cuz I can't cry and I just want to get all away to vent ,.to explode all this anger and sadness I have rn .I can't do it anymore I hope it would go better cuz Im really going crazy I see things and I can't even go to my therapist anymore for now even tho it wasn't helping much .I don't want to take medication for feeling even more numb than now I'm.sick. I don't know what to do anymore