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It’s common knowledge that most people hate dahvie vanity ok but I’m really fucking pissed rn about the fact that he’s alive so I’m using that as the title bc wtf else could I call this post
I hate who I am, I hate who I was, I hate what ive done, I hate that I let things get this far without an ounce of self respect because someone is an innocent baby that can do no harm. if they do hurt me it’s actually my fault because I should know exactly how to treat someone who did something like that. Cuz I should be able to suck it up every time I’m shown how fucking stupid you always thought I was. Plus the fact you saw me as an IMAGE and I know you got bored when I started gaining less attention. I KNOW what went through your head when you first saw me. I know for a fact you went through our entire relationship feeling like you’re WINNING because of WHO I AM. This whole fucking thing started because of status. You wanted me to turn bad. You saw me as a part of you that makes everything you do okay. And im fucking crazy because why the hell, ever time I started seeing that, I blamed myself for DARING to think such a thing of you. I know every remark you made was purposeful. Throughout the entire time I knew you it was all calculated. You probably feel like a victim for being left by me. Maybe you are, I don’t fucking know. I don’t know anything about myself anymore. Ever since then I have quite literally became insanely dull, I can’t even see myself in the mirror the right way anymore because I tore all of that away so instantly. This is going to be what drives me to the next stage in my life where I forget everything I’ve ever done and become yet another new person. It hurts fucking bad. I can’t even say I hate you though, I just resent you. It’s so annoying that I still feel attached to what we had. I am actively severing everything just so I can keep myself moving onto the next thing or else I will hurt more and more people and I will damage everything I could become.
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SCHIZOGEEK
I am in recovery from being radqueer if that's whay this is about. I was gooomed into it by damien and returned to it because i wanted to feel excepted. I've also been on a horrible drug binge for multiple days. I never got bored of you, I wouldn't have been torn up for months if I did. I genuinely loved you and I still do. I think i told you but if I have a slight falling out I feel the need to completely burn bridges because I think it'll make me safer which is dumb as fuckm. I don't see myself as a victim. I keep watching you and yearning and then attacking you and hoping that beca7se I hopped up your ass id feel better or something. Kinda like with river. I saw you as more than an image. I can't describe it but you were the first person I had some kind of connection with. It felt like more than romance. You felt like a safe space. I'm sorry for ruining you. I was damaging both of us. You are so beautiful and i almost completely ruined you. I'm just as upset as the back and fourth switching as uou are. I dony want to be like this, its something I've always done and I don't know how to stop. I'm terrified of being replaced and I let it eat at me and hurt me until I lash out and hurt someone else. I'm sorry I ever got snappy at you when we were together. I'm sorry I took you for granted. I'm sorry for continuing to hurt you after already hurting you enough. I still look at you and all I feel is love. I haye myself for loving you and try to turn it into anger and hatred. You're not bad. I don't know why I said you wer. I don't know why I've been angry at you. It's not your fault. I'm sorry I keep saying ill leave you alone then coming back. I never got bored of you. I'm sorry I even put that thought in your mind. I wasnt planning everything as I went. I was stumbling through it and just hoping you'd like me as much as I liked you. I'm sorry if this isn't believable. I miss your laugh.i miss hearing the silly little noises you'd make in your sleep. I miss when I made you smile. I don't know why I ruined it. I don't know why I do thism. I still worr7 about you constwntly. I donr wanna blame it on mental illness because you deserve a better explanation but incannot give it. I told you I was a bad person. I let something good into my life and I ruined it and for that im sorry. I don't know how to manage my f3elings in the slightest. I mentioned you were the first like. Swrious serious relationship I've been in and I mean thatm I don't know how to handle any if this and im filtering all my emotions out by turning it into hatred. I'm sorry
I've been wanting to step back from the rqc for a while I just didn't wanna piss you off or confuse you
by SCHIZOGEEK; ; Report
SCHIZOGEEK
I am in recovery from being radqueer if that's whay this is about. I was gooomed into it by damien and returned to it because i wanted to feel excepted. I've also been on a horrible drug binge for multiple days. I never got bored of you, I wouldn't have been torn up for months if I did. I genuinely loved you and I still do. I think i told you but if I have a slight falling out I feel the need to completely burn bridges because I think it'll make me safer which is dumb as fuckm. I don't see myself as a victim. I keep watching you and yearning and then attacking you and hoping that beca7se I hopped up your ass id feel better or something. Kinda like with river. I saw you as more than an image. I can't describe it but you were the first person I had some kind of connection with. It felt like more than romance. You felt like a safe space. I'm sorry for ruining you. I was damaging both of us. You are so beautiful and i almost completely ruined you. I'm just as upset as the back and fourth switching as uou are. I dony want to be like this, its something I've always done and I don't know how to stop. I'm terrified of being replaced and I let it eat at me and hurt me until I lash out and hurt someone else. I'm sorry I ever got snappy at you when we were together. I'm sorry I took you for granted. I'm sorry for continuing to hurt you after already hurting you enough. I still look at you and all I feel is love. I haye myself for loving you and try to turn it into anger and hatred. You're not bad. I don't know why I said you wer. I don't know why I've been angry at you. It's not your fault. I'm sorry I keep saying ill leave you alone then coming back. I never got bored of you. I'm sorry I even put that thought in your mind. I wasnt planning everything as I went. I was stumbling through it and just hoping you'd like me as much as I liked you. I'm sorry if this isn't believable. I miss your laugh.i miss hearing the silly little noises you'd make in your sleep. I miss when I made you smile. I don't know why I ruined it. I don't know why I do thism. I still worr7 about you constwntly. I donr wanna blame it on mental illness because you deserve a better explanation but incannot give it. I told you I was a bad person. I let something good into my life and I ruined it and for that im sorry. I don't know how to manage my f3elings in the slightest. I mentioned you were the first like. Swrious serious relationship I've been in and I mean thatm I don't know how to handle any if this and im filtering all my emotions out by turning it into hatred. I'm sorry
I never saw you as a way to benefit. I never wanted to use you for popularity. I thought you were cool and thay was about it. It's hard to explain, because like. I did look up to you, but I didn't want to leech odd of you. I always felt out of place and below you and I talked to you about feeling below you before. I didn't want to rise up or be on par. It's confusing. I just knew you were out of my league and we had two different things going.
by SCHIZOGEEK; ; Report
For the past few days or however long it’s been idk, Ive been sitting with myself on this because I am confused with everything. I’m starting to see everything in a new light now that Ive taken time away from everything and I’m starting to remember things for what they really were. I might get some of it wrong either way but I know that I was repressing a lot that I didn’t even realize, and I was starting to resent you for it. And then when you sent me things that seemed angry it turned into genuine anger on my part. For the past few months Ive been struggling to remember things from before I left and I have been paranoid that i won’t recover but it’s starting to all crash into me at once in the past week or so and it is really painful. My friend Jae let me use his tablet when I went to his place yesterday and I was checking tumblr and I saw the asks you were sending me and it really made it worse. Ive been demonizing everything I remember from when we were together, not intentionally but it has been happening. And I don’t know what’s true and what isnt. I keep repeating in my mind that you only wanted me for the dynamic it would’ve given you, and I won’t mention it in this comment cuz it’s more personal. But I can’t convince myself otherwise and I am constantly going back and forth about it. When I was posting on tumblr awhile ago it was because I saw a picture of you and got a lot of memory back from how we were and I was panicking. But I know I can’t go back to that for a lot of reasons. I am trying to be strong and not go back to that because it will do more harm than good. I’m trying to retrain myself away from unhealthy habits but it’s been hard. I can never hate you even if I tried, but I feel I might continue lashing out at nobody in particular because I am finally getting a chance to process everything. I don’t want you gone and I don’t want you hurt, I just can’t come back either. I can still talk to you but I can’t come back to actually being together
by JACK/DAN; ; Report
I love you man. I'm sorry for everything. I've been lashing out on you worse than you have me and you don't deserve it. Like I said I've been really bad off on drugs which isn't really an excuse, but every time I'm sober I'm angry about everything and I take it out on everyone. I might get shipped off to rehab because of it soon. Even without being on drugs I was still awful to you. But I promise you were more than an image to me. You're still such a sweet boy. I don't know why I wanted to ruin that. Sorry that sounds gay as fuck
by SCHIZOGEEK; ; Report
I love you man. I'm sorry for everything. I've been lashing out on you worse than you have me and you don't deserve it. Like I said I've been really bad off on drugs which isn't really an excuse, but every time I'm sober I'm angry about everything and I take it out on everyone. I might get shipped off to rehab because of it soon. Even without being on drugs I was still awful to you. But I promise you were more than an image to me. You're still such a sweet boy. I don't know why I wanted to ruin that. Sorry that sounds gay as fuck
by SCHIZOGEEK; ; Report
I really hope that you can get better and if you do end up in rehab, I hope it helps you. I’m sorry that I couldn’t help. Youre gonna be okay. I love you too even if we can’t be together and I genuinely hope things get better for you because you deserve to be doing better
by JACK/DAN; ; Report
I really can't apologize more dude. I don't know what's wrong with me or what got into me. You're not a bad person. I don't know why I treated you like one. I don't know why I lash out. No matter how much I try to be a kind, loving person I still can't work though my anger issues. I'm not a good person and I don't know why I pretend to be. I've also been rarely fronting (system. Thing) since we broke up, so when I am in front im still just reeling and processing and it feels like a new event even though it was like 3 months ago now. I'm sorry I keep using excuses because there's not reallt a way to justify how I treated you. You were still mt favorite person for like a month and then you stopped being my fp because all I did was attack and lash out on you, which hurt more than u being my fp and being away from me. I dont know why im a harmful pwrson. I constantly hurt people.and I dont mean to. I especially never meant to hurt you. You were so much more to me than a status, or a dynamic. You were Jack. Jaxk was all I wanted. I'm sorry if you felt forced into anytjing. Also sorry im rambling and breaking down in your comment section
by SCHIZOGEEK; ; Report
I didn’t feel forced into anything, and you don’t need to apologize anymore alright? I understand now and that’s what matters, just please take it easy, it’s gonna be okay. I’m still here if you need something or want to talk, I’m not upset with you anymore
by JACK/DAN; ; Report