ok home life sucks now

ok putting everything from my other blogs aside for a moment, I just need to get some things off my chest.

It's 4:40 AM. I've been ruining myself, staying up until ungodly hours for the last week and a half. I know it's bad, I can't stop. I just can't. But that's not what I wanted to talk about. I'm not sure if I mentioned it before, but my mom is leaving. Today, or yesterday, I guess, my mom and dad got in a fight about my brother. My brother was basically claiming he was abused when he was a kid by my dad, and my mom agreed with him. My dad, however, claims he never laid a hand on him. Or, at least only did it once but never more. Now I'm not sure who to believe, because I was too young to really remember a lot of stuff that happened when my brother and I were kids. But it blew up into this huge thing, where my dad pretty much said he's gonna stop trying since everyone thinks he's such a bad person. This, added onto the fact that my mom may leave at any moment (she said she was leaving a month ago sometime after Christmas), means that I now have no reliable parents. I'm growing up faster than I thought. 

And honestly, I wouldn't care as much if we didn't live in the middle of fucking nowhere. I enjoy doing my own thing on my own, because it means I can do what I want the way I want to do it. But it's hard for me to do things like get a job or go shopping, because I live a half hour away from any town. Also, I can't drive. So if I had to start making dinner for everyone every night (I barely know how to cook, the last time I made dinner it tasted like dirt), and pretty much do everything my dad does right now, I think I'd perish in a matter of days. 

My life is falling apart in my hands and I can barely grasp the dust it turns into. 

Also, right now I don't know where my mom is because she wouldn't be in a bed with my dad after they fought, and she can't sleep on the couch because my brother is over and that's where he's sleeping. Maybe the car?

I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know what to do, or what to say, or how to act. I can feel myself slipping with every breath I take, every word I say. Day after day it only gets worse and I'm not sure how to handle it. Every day I think about stabbing myself, tearing myself apart limb from limb, maybe even dying all together. I'd never act on these thoughts, though. I'm too afraid. I want to break things. I want to punch glass until my knuckles turn bloody. 

Sometimes, when I'm sitting in my room late at night, I get chilly. And I don't know if it's because my room is at the back of the house so it's typically cold, or if it's because of something else. Recently, I've felt like someone's practically next to me. Watching me, listening to me. That's why I talk to "myself".

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so tired. All I can do is distract myself from it all until it eventually doesn't affect me anymore. I want out. I want out of this hell that I was put into. Whatever I did to deserve this, let me make it right. Give me a chance to prove I don't deserve this.

Happy new year

D. Fenton out.