Jan 1st, 2006

You messaged last night, and I hated how excited I was. At first, I said wouldnt message you back, but something pulled me under like it always does. You bring me in so easily, and I have no self-control. Or maybe self-respect.

I've let you break my heart again and again, and I don't know why. I think it's because I love you, and because we run so deep that no amount of time could ever pull us apart. You called, I answered. It felt like time stopped, and all of a sudden, it was freshman year again. 

I gushed every detail of my life that you missed out on. I filled you in on the new characters in my life; the ones I hate, the ones I adore, and those that are neither here nor there. 

There's so much I want to tell you; like how GR had a crush on me, or how I like DC, but CW might ask him out before I have the chance to do anything about it. I even started a band with CD and we are writing an album. I'm hoping you'll call again so I can tell you all about it. 

I've missed hearing your voice and your laugh over the phone--hitting that green button felt like a desperately needed drink of water. I love you so much and it's hard to imagine my life without you, even though you haven't been in it for so long. 

Maybe this time will be different. I've grown, and I'm hoping you have too. We agree on many things, but the way we view ourselves is not one of them. Maybe if you caught a glimpse of the way I see you, you'd be a better person. You wouldn't hurt other people, and you wouldn't drive away every good thing from your life. You would be happier, and maybe finally find yourself. 

Deep down, I know you're a good person, because I've seen it. I just wish you could be that person all the time. 

I haven't told anyone that we've been in contact, and I plan to keep it that way for now. I know other people will judge me and tell me to run from you. Of course, I never listened. But honestly, you've been so terrible to me in the past, that if you hurt me again, I'm not sure I would be that upset--at least I would move on quickly. 

I keep looking up at my phone, hoping it lights up with your name on the screen. It hasn't yet, but I know it will. You're the only person that I've never had to question wether you like me or not, because I know that at the end of the day, you will always love me.

And I love you too, but you make it so hard. 

- C

Secrets stolen from deep inside, the drum beats out of time. If you're lost, you can look, and you will find me. Time after time.