i dont think i’ll ever be in love

i can’t imagine myself ever being in a relationship. it feels like such an annoying sad teenager thing to say. i dont think ive ever actually felt love. i mean, i care about people like my family and friends but love to me feels like something romantic rather than platonic.

a lot of people have had crushes on me and it always made me so uncomfortable, they were always people i hated, people i still have nightmares about. when people like me i don’t understand why. my dad tells me im pretty, so do my friends, but i dont really believe them. i dont think they’re lying i just think they’re wrong. i talk weird and and i look dirty and awkward. if someone likes me what does that say about them? that they like gross guys who isolate themselves and look like girls? i wouldn’t want to date someone like that.

im sure being trans makes this a lot harder, the chances of a boy actually seeing me as a guy are like.. minuscule. it feels so gross knowing i have my own porn category. what if he just has some weird fetish? what if he’s just experimenting? what if its just some fucked up kind of bullying? i would never date someone i couldnt see myself loving, and the idea of someone i love having just been using me is something i know i couldn’t handle. 

i have a sort of good idea of what my type is, but i dont think im gonna miraculously find the perfect guy. i like tall chubby guys who r funny and preferably more extroverted than i am. even if i did find someone like that there is literally like no way they would like me back. i mean look at me! im a socially awkward self isolated unhealthy wimpy anemic dweeb!! and i hate hate HATE when people touch me, it feels like im being dirtied or ruined. but i think if it was someone i loved i would like it a lot. thats another worry i have. if the person i love leaves me i’ll feel like ive been used and wasted, like im not fresh anymore. i know thats not true and not how it works at all, but i guess i just want to save myself or something. god that sounds so conservative.

i hate when anyone touches me so much to the point i’ll start clawing and scratching at my skin trying to get the feeling away. it feels like an imprint on me, seeping into me and never going away. i think maybe im just crazy.

if i had a boyfriend i would looove to lay on top of him or hold hands, i hope he’d be strong enough to pick me up, i guess thats not a high bar considering im only 105lb but whatever. really i just want him to be funny, and to actually like me for who i am. talking about this makes me feel like such a desperate bitchless loser（；＿；）

one of my biggest worries is the whole… sex thing. i dont think theres anything gross about sex and i think people should be body positive and stuff, but im so uncomfortable with my body and absolutely disgusted by it i cant imagine letting someone seeing me like that. maybe if i can get top AND bottom surgery beforehand i can handle it, but i dont have that kind of money. i guess i can just be in medical debt for the rest of my life in exchange for gay sex. what am i even talking about.

besides everything i already said, i like to imagine id be fairly decent in a relationship, i don’t argue and i wouldn’t do that stupid thing where i dont tell you why im mad. i always see that on shows and stuff but oh my god its not that deep. if you’re upset they’re hanging out with other people, tell them!! if they said something you dont like, TELL THEM!!!!! i swear some people really are just stupid.