Dec 31, 2005

I feel so unmotivated--All I do is learn about music and theory and practice guitar, but I feel like I'm not getting any better. I can't even play in time with music. I have such a hard time trying not to compare myself to JS and CD because they're both so good, and it feels like they just understand everything so much faster than I do. I know its only because I haven't been doing this for very long, and they've been practicing for years, but it still makes me feel really bad about myself. 

If I don't practice, I feel like I'm being lazy and a failure. When I do practice, it's stressful and unsatisfying. But at the same time, I've learned more in the past two months than I ever have. JS is largely to blame for that. He somehow overestimates and underestimates my skills in every category. He assumes I'm Prince in the guitar department and totally useless in the theory of it all, when it's the other way around. Regardless, he gives me these impossible parts to play, and I suck it up and learn them.

I just wish my motivation were coming from a place where I'm excited about my progress, and not one where I feel like I'm stressing to catch up with everyone. My entire life has felt like a game of catch-up, and it's so tiring. 

Music is the only thing in my life that's been consistent; it's the one thing that no one has or ever will be able to take from me. I worry about my future, studying music. 

I want to be great. I'm tired of people telling me I'm good, because I'm really not. And second of all, being good is a waste. I will be great--I will be one of the greats. I want people to feel the way I do when listening to an Art Blakey drum solo or listening to Jeff Buckley sing. (God, that man's voice alone is enough to make me cry) 

I keep trying to tell myself that I am not behind, I am becoming. But it's hard to believe that sometimes. I hope that one day I will look back at this and laugh--remember how awful my lyrics were and how much I struggled in jazz band. 

- C

P.S. It surprises me how many people don't actually know how talented Jeff Buckley is. Like, actually. Aside from being naturally gifted with his voice, he was such an insane guitar player, and his understanding of music theory was just beyond. I can't even imagine what it's like to have half the skill that he had. Of course, he earned it; not all of it was raw talent. 

Also happy New Year