good feelings about the new year (irony)

My day today has been boring. I don’t wanna say "as usual," but today I feel like dead weight, lost and without direction in my own life. It's the end of the year and I’m feeling really tired and even a bit frustrated, feeling like all I need right now is to be away from people, away from hugs, away from the "happy new year" wishes. I think it’s so fake, screw the new year, it's always gonna be more of the same not that I wanna be pessimistic or anything, but I’ve thought so many good things about past years and I’m tired of imagining good things. If it’s good, great, if it’s bad, I’ll just have to deal with it anyway, and the people around me don’t even care about it. I think they just see me as an annoying complainer, and even though some things really are against me… my complaints are totally invalid.

I feel gross. It’s hotter than hell here and I think I’ll try to drink more water and try to go to the bathroom when I need to or, you know, get a UTI (haven’t decided yet). Sometimes I miss being a teenager (like actually a teen, around 14 years old) not that I’m super grown now, but things just seemed "easier" (in heavy air quotes) compared to how I feel today. I had more dreams, more things I wanted to do, and I really, really, really believed I could do them. Not anymore I definitely don’t believe in myself like that now. I don’t think I’m awful or terrible, but I also don’t wanna let myself down.