To you, who was never my friend

We never said goodbyes, I tried to distance myself from you because you make me feel worse than I have ever been. Yet I can't help but feel a bit of guilt in knowing that this is how it ended.

With me silencing myself around you, my eyes never meeting yours , and my ears unwilling to hear your words.

I feel guilt and shame. But I wonder if you do too. I wonder if you ever asked yourself why I did so, if you ever just give some room for explanations and understanding, because the last time you tried, there was none. And I was forced to make do with what room you gave and the only apologies that existed in that time came from me.

Do you ever lose sleep thinking about our friendship? Or do you only ever think of how much of a bad friend I am? But have you ever taken the time to see why I treat you differently than I treat our other friends? Have you ever taken the time to notice how hurt I was by the words you've chosen to describe me? Did you know that two, of our friends have shed tears from the pain you've caused them? Those tears only ever burst forth when you're not there, because no time is ever safe for them to cry when you're near.

I will not say sorry for what I've done. For you have not done the same for me. But I can only be sorry for how your life has turned out. I cannot blame you for being the way you are, our environment shapes us.

But our actions are made by choice, and you had yours, and you've picked it, and it has caused damage to all of us.

And we are not sorry. The only reason why it had ended was because we've learned to grow from the past. They've mend their pain and I've done mine, you have yet to do yours and I hope it'll be easy for you.

I have hated you. I've screamed to the you that were brought to existence by my hatred, I have imagined arguing with you through my anger. It hasn't happened in months, because hate can only live so long inside me and at the end of it, we are all only doing our best and I can only, assume at best, that you are too.

No, it is not because you're a bad person.

I do not want to be with you, because you've caused me more pain than any of the friends I've made in my life.

And I cannot sacrifice myself to keep our friendship because I have no power to influence you to be better. Because I am not good myself. I will never be.

I hope you'll have a good life, I hope hatred won't take place in your heart, I hope you'll meet people who are better suited for you and I hope you'll someday see love for what it is.

I am not proud of the pain I might have caused.

It still haunts me sometimes.

but I don't miss you.