Dumb puppygirl rambles like a Victorian poet because she cant sleep

They're still in my dreams. I've stopped reaching out as much because the extent of my longing scares me. How much i want to simply listen to them go about their day, how I'd be content to live as a hair on their head. Just to witness them is enough. It overwhelms me.

Do you ever want something so bad that you believe just by wanting it, you're spoiling your chances of actually getting it? The more i yearn the less likely it is I'll get what i want. Maybe that's for the best, I'm a lousy woman to love. My hands shake too much. My hair is always a mess. Im anxious and neurotic and high strung. I wouldn't wish knowing me like that on my worst enemy, so why would I wish it on my best friend? 

I feel like if i just say it, pull the band-aid off, it can all be over. But I'm so scared. I don't want to be alone, I don't want to ruin everything. So what if I never get to hold them like a lover, being friends isn't that much different, is it? 

So what if I never hold them, or cradle their hands, or kiss their tears away? To sit on the couch next to them and listen to their stories, to stare when they think I'm not looking, to be in a room of friends and see only their face, hear only their voice, that has to be enough. I don't need to share a bed or a body with them, I don't need anything more. To annoy them by lighting up their phone with my random thoughts, to see them every few weeks, to know that people like them exist, that's all I need. To be their friend is the greatest honor, and I am a fool for ever wanting more. But if they need me to wash their hair, or fix their car, or make them food, i will do it. I will learn it. I will bend to their every whim and i will pray that they will one day say they see my efforts, and they love me. But i will learn to not hold my breath, and i will live anyways. I will make a life in their shadow, because even the thought of their warmth is enough for me. 

I am the hardest person alive to love. To love me is the greatest sin, I'm wretched like a sick dog. Pity is the closest to affection I've gotten in a long, long time. This won't be any different. That won't make me quit. I'm sorry i love you, I'm sorry for being a burden. You don't need to look at me kindly, or speak softly. Just know that I'm still here, and i will be always. I'll do anything you ask. 

I don't know if therapy can fix this.