terrified

For a long while now, I've shut myself away from people in general. I was always a very scared person when it comes to interacting with people. Very recently is when I decided to start to move away from these habits, I guess so far its going well.

Despite this, I face a very strange issue. Sometimes when I go out and I see an outfit I like, I go up to the person to compliment them, and it feels very easy to do. I don't have that same confidence online. It's strange, I hear its usually the other way around.

I am in a server with some people, it's pretty chill. Everyone gets along well and we all care for each other. I usually put on a character where I act very hyper and have overexaggerated swagger, similar to a 2010 underground rap mixtape.

take away the group aspect, and there's nothing at all. many people there seem nice enough for me to want to grow a true bond with some of them, but im scared. do people secretly dislike who i try to be? would people want to be my friend outside of a server?

many people seem to be locked in together quite well. people appear to be happy to see each other and greet them. i never really had this happen to me before in my life. could I ever have this if I tried talking to them? or will history repeat itself for me to be abandoned by everyone again?

its been forever since that happened with my old group, and it's why i went into hiding for so long. even with some of the people that DID stick with me, we hardly talk anymore. maybe this story can be for another time.

there may be people i am interested in *that* way but idk, to me that seems like a ultra longshot, and something i don't think ill ever be able to achieve with anyone really. if i can at least become a real friend, maybe that could suffice. if not, hardly matters to me. ive been so uninterested for a long time that if i fall back to square 1, i wouldnt mind staying there permanently.

sorry for a gloomy first blog post, i just felt like venting a bit. lets hope for a proper introduction soon, and my very first topster will be coming out soon.