On the Topic of Joy and Yearning

its past 11, but still there's light coming in through my window. Some nights are brighter than others, I suppose. It's odd how awake I am right now. I have no desire to sleep, which is almost never the case for me. So, it's been a while since i just posted a blog, not a poem. Seems about time I write down how I've been feeling lately.

Life has seemed so light recently. That doesn't necessarily mean its all sunshine and rainbows, it just means it's a lot less of a heavy load. For once in my life, I look forwards to my future. Everyday I get to know I'm becoming a better, more refined version of myself, and everyday I get to know that that's gonna keep on happening. Like, for the rest of my life. That's what life is. It feels like mine has finally started. It was on hold before, stuck behind bars of dysphoria and loneliness, but now I get to live knowing those things won't be forever. Or at least not constant. They'll resolve. It's nice, having a future to look forwards to. I look back at my life a year ago and all I see is darkness. I can barley remember any of it, and what I do remember is a crushing depression stretching for years back. I had chronic depression for a long long time. I never dreamed of getting better. That just wasn't in the cards for me. I was going to be under this shadow for my whole life and that's all I knew. I'm free now. I see why people.. live, and enjoy it. I'm even enjoying it myself. Even the not so great parts, they still feel so much more real than they ever have, and I know they'll be formative for me, and even more than that, that I'll make it through. 

There's been a deep, deep sense of yearning in my heart that comes with all this. It's a need to share in my experience of living. I crave that emotional connect with someone. I've had it in the past. It comes with many things. A trust, an understanding, an intimacy, a bonding and a sharing. I know this won't solve all my problems. It never has. But still, I feel ready now. Now that I know my worth, I feel that I could entrust myself with someone to that degree, that I would be able to make them feel safe. I want that so bad. I could be the light of someone's life, and they could be mine. I could admire them, and support them, and feel with them, and they could do the same for me. I know not everyone has the privileges that I do. Life hasn't opened up for everyone, and they might not be able to give back the amount I have to offer. I'm okay with that as well. Even if I can just be a small piece in contribution to the lightening of their world, that would make me happy. Intimacy, to me, means trust. It means understanding. I do believe that can be heightened by physicality, for me anyways. In other words, I would like a cuddle buddy. I also, through all this, know that a cute trans boy my age is gonna magically appear and well.. be attracted to me as well. Unfortunate. I could really use that right about now, haha. It saddens me some that I've probably had one new years kiss, at least 2-3 years ago, and this year is gonna pass by the same way. I can only hope that someday in the future I'll have that someone to share my life with, and share in theirs. I'll do better this time. I promise. If entrusted with someone's heart, I'll cherish it. I won't toy with it, I swear. I'm a better person now