What should you do if you've died?

(translation) 

It's simple:

1. Lie still and show no signs of life. It would be nice to die in a respectable position, but that's a matter of luck. Don't take your relatives' grief personally. It's quite possible that their grief is simply an inappropriate reaction to their joy.

2. Be philosophical about the possibility of being knocked off a stretcher by drunken orderlies and dragged by your feet across the floor of the morgue because the gurney is broken. Never remove your ankle tag, and make sure it hasn't been replaced. Morgues are full of all sorts of things. If you lose your tag, you could end up in a cramped, hastily put together coffin, not the more or less decent one your family saw you in.

3. Don't make a scene in the morgue screaming, "I'm alive!", "What does all this mean?!", "How did I get here?!" If you're in the coffin, that's how it's supposed to be.

4. When you return home in the coffin, don't immediately sit down in front of the TV and watch football. Wait until everyone is settled and then have some tea in the kitchen. A dead person in front of the TV with a cup in hand is too much.

5. When you lie back in the coffin, grab a crowbar. A pack of cigarettes wouldn't hurt either. Book lovers should pick up O. Chernokoshkin's "Alive Among the Dead," which will help pass the time until the funeral is over.

6. Don't move in the coffin while the body is being carried out, and don't jump out to help lower the coffin down the stairs—they'll manage on their own.

7. Remember that you can only leave the grave for walks after midnight. Don't stray far from the grave on the first nights to avoid getting lost among the unfamiliar crosses and monuments. Try to return to the grave before the first cry of the gravedigger. 8. If you do get lost, stay where you are until dawn. At six in the morning, get in line at the cemetery administration. You'll be fined for violating the rules, of course, but they'll help you find the grave, maybe even that same day.

9. Never walk along the main alley. This is the traditional place for coffin races in any cemetery.

10. Don't stalk lone passersby. Attack them unexpectedly, jumping out of the bushes or from underground.

11. Visit relatives and friends from time to time, peek into their windows. This will help them remember you.

12. Don't try to prove that you can always stay in touch with wap.odnoklassniki.ru.

13. YES, and finally, don't forget to scratch "I'll be BACK" or "To be continued" in Latin letters on your tombstone.