Halfway To Somewhere: Entry Seven

the last of my years of age 5 through 6 (because my birthday is in december, i have a whole 6 more months of school year being 6), Mrs. E was pregnant and went on maternity leave, and i dont remember ANY of it. i do remember learning about bat guano though. i don't have a FULL memory of "graduating" kindergarten, but i know there was a ceremony. we played kazoos, and stood in the cafeteria. i do remember running and sitting with my mom, but that was it. when i entered first grade, i was 6. this is when my autism really started to rear it's ugly head, and i started to have behavioral issues. i could go through documents of my therapists to find what they were saying, but the point is, i acted out. i hit teachers, and i bit Mrs. Roybal. sorry, mrs. roybal. my mom told me she had the police's personal phone numbers to the district nearest the school posted outside the door so she could quickly call them on me, that's how bad it was.

i have a few memories of 1st grade. Mrs. Roybal taught us to write sentences. three paragraphs every morning that we had to copy from the promethean board. do people still use those? i don't know, i'm in between school and home at the moment. i also remember Mrs. Roybal in hindsight was a very mean person. she told my mom she had a child with ADHD the year previous, but didn't notice any signs in me. she just thought i was disruptive and bad. after she learned i had ADHD, she switched like a lightbulb. now she was kind and sweet, and wanted to pet my soft skin. deadass. she would call me up to the front of the class during story hour, and while reading aloud, would just stroke my arm. i didn't find this creepy then. i still dont find it weird now, but i know anyone reading this is going "what the fuck" but to me it was maternal. it wasn't creepy it was just... the way your mom strokes between your eyes. it was comforting. idk i guess IM THE weird one!! but she was still cruel at other times. like, there was one day a bunny was brought it for a segment of class, and we were allowed to pet it. EXCEPT for me. i was told i "might have an outburst and hurt the bunny" and in turn had a meltdown at basically being told i was evil hearted. thats how i took it, at least. i sobbed for the rest of the day, and i never saw another rabbit til i was 16, and got to pet it. she also yelled at Ronald because he didn't know how to read a clock. BITCH THATS YOUR JOB! TEACH HIM STOP YELLING! in hindsight, FUCK YOU MRS. ROYBAL YOU WERE A BITCH WE WERE 6-7 IN YOUR CLASS. despite this, when i think of fall (NOT halloween) i think of 1st grade. Mrs. Roybal-- if anything-- was amazing at decorating her classroom. it really got you in the festive spirit. she had little pieces set up on shelves and desks, and the calendar was festive each year. god, i can practically smell that classroom. it's weird how memories work. I also remember doing flat Stanleys in her class. i didn't send mine, but we did a whole showcasing of everyone's Stanley, and it was so cool to see all the military people because i grew up on base.

there was also the craziest birthday party of my life, which i stand by at age 23. i got a birthday invitation from the asian girl from kindergarten, and it was burnt around the edges with a lighter, and it looked all rustic and victorian. and it was written in cursive which we were taught to read that year, and when i went to the party, (i mightve just been little and remembering wrong) it was a MASSIVE house. like, mansion sized. the front yard looked like a acreage, and the backyard had horses. so maybe it was a ranch? either way. i don't actually remember much from this party, but i know there were cupcakes, and for some reason i watched people throw trash away in the big black garbage bins, and i rode her horses. i really really wish i could remember her name, because she's the main character in her life and i was just a side character. SHE'S the cool one who should be writing diary entries about her life on spacehey.