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This is gonna be kinda graphic/about sexual things/dysphoria sooo yeah
The fact that I don’t have a dick is genuinely making me feel pain in my chest. I am actually taking psychological damage rn. I like what I already have down there but like, fuck man. I’m imagining what it would feel like n shit, and the weight of it, I genuinely feel like I have phantom feelings from it hanging around swinging and bouncing and I DONT EVEN HAVE ONE. Ever since I found out what it actually feels like to touch one like months ago it’s been more and more recurring, like I WANT TO REACH DOWN THERE AND FEEL A FUCKING SAUSAGE. Nah I got this dumbass weak ass thing there. Like I said, I like what I have, I rarely ever get bottom dysphoria but HOLY SHIT I need to grow a cock or I’m gonna jump into oncoming traffic
Not to mention my fat fucking tits I HATE MY STUPID LIFE
Like sometimes it’s good to have them cuz y know, tits are hot. Like if I had a clone who looked like me rn, and then I grew a cock and ballz, I would clap other me. And other me would clap the real me too cuz we share a brain. But like, having tits is inconvenient for ME. because IM NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE THEM. I hate that I have to reach up to touch my chest, hoping I’ll be met with flatness, and then KAPOW there’s a giant pillow hanging there instead, FUCK YOU ASSHOLE.
Ive not been binding as much lately because of the guy I’m dating and like, I like the attention I get from just, like, existing. But I fucking hate that I CAN SEE MY TITS IN THE BOTTOM CORNERS OF MY VISION IF IM SITTING OR LAYING DOWN. ALL THE TIME. EVEN WHEN IM STANDING/WALKING I CAN SEE THEM. FUCK. So I put on my binder and a hoodie I really like to go to the mall with my mom and stepdad. I haven’t worn my binder in months. On the way home I laid in the backseat of the car and actually fucking cried while feeling my chest because i had forgotten how happy it makes me not having to feel fat knockers every time I touch my chest. They’re still there, but it’s way more bearable. But noooo, I’m too complicated and I have to force myself to endure my bojangles for the sake of my boyfriend because Satan forbid I make him look gay. It’s nothing he did wrong to be clear, I knew what I was signing up for. But FUCK.
Back to the dick thing. I CAN JUST BARELY FEEL IT THERE. Like it’s like having the wing morph around a limb in a way, you can feel it hitting your skin, but the thing is, you don’t have that limb. That’s what it feels like. But it’s a dick. And then I reach down and I’m met with flatness. WHY CANT I BE MET WITH FLATNESS WHEN I TOUCH MY CHEST? FUCK YOU
None of the usual things are giving me euphoria today. I am in intense pain. Fuck everything
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intoxicatediloveyou
This is so damn real, my fam forces me to dress feminine and it genuinly pains me. Anyway theres a thing called a "pack" or something that trans men put in their crotches to make it look like they have a dick. Anyway u shud prob tell ur bf that ur trans if u havent told him yet cuz its prob gonna affect both of yall
Ya I plan to maybe start packing again with clean socks, I used to and since I’m getting dysphoria again I am gonna do it more
And also he does know I’m trans and he’s okay with it, but he seemed worried about people seeing him as gay (even tho in private he does admit to having some homo thoughts, he just doesn’t want it to be known by others), so I told him I was chill with him calling me she or girlfriend around others. It does hurt but I think it would hurt more if we broke up
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kuro
not to be a stranger giving shit advice but ur bf sounds like an asshole from what this blog entry says
boohoo he doesnt want to look gay.... WHAT ARE YOU DOING DATING A MASC PERSON THEN??????
also he really finds his own comfort (how ppl MIGHT percieve him) over your existential comfort? hello? piece of shit alert? that is YOUR body and you are allowed to chose what you look like. for what its worth i think you should bind whenever you want to and if he tells u not to do it then he can fuck himself.
reminds me lots of an ex i had who eventually got so controlling i wasn't allowed to have male friends bc he was scared id cheat. lol ok. (he ended up cheating on me ahahahha)
regarding bottom dysphoria I feel u hard man idk what to do either. packers are an option but lol who's got that money? daydreaming abt bottom surgery lately but not having foreskin would probably also make me dysphoric so i just can't fucking win i guess?????
Real on the bottom surgery thing. But yeah idk, he’s iffy on some days and all that, but he doesn’t rlly tell me what to do. And like his sibling and I are really good friends and they often talk to him about this stuff and he’s kinda showing improvement with his ideology? I suppose
He doesn’t strictly tell me not to bind but he asked me to stop hiding my chest cuz he likes it so I did, and I don’t have a huge problem when it comes to sexual stuff but lately it’s been hard going in public without binding. I’m probably gonna start again cuz atp if we’re in public I don’t want to worry about him wanting to see my chest anyway? But yeah
He’s not against me getting too surgery in the future, he said it’ll be hard to adjust to it but he doesn’t mind all too much. Though he really doesn’t want me getting bottom surgery. And like, idk if I will want it either cuz of the potential fuck ups that could happen, especially in the healing process, so I’d probably just stick to top surgery and testosterone. It’s still hard having to live as his gf tho
While I do recognize it’s not the healthiest, I’ve become badly attached to him and the way he talks and acts just makes me feel like I need him. So idk, his siblings are kinda helping by explaining this stuff to him, and he’s also receptive when I tell him about my dysphoria, so it’s a big step from the beginning of the year when he said he doesn’t like trans people. I really only actually started becoming his friend because he’s my friends brother, and since then he’s come a long way, so I’m trying to like, wait it out since he might be getting better
Btw your comment means a lot fr, sorry if this seems dismissive or something I fr don’t mean it that way, I just don’t want him to be seen as terrible cuz I don’t see him that way, he has flaws but it’s something I’m willing to work with
I do get bad dysphoria thinking about it sometimes, which is how it was when I made the post, but I think I’m alright for the time being frfr
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