first stuff, its abt my stupid ex

I’m someone who really craves love and affection. I had my first irl relationship a while ago and i honestly thought everything was gonna be perfect! Even tho he blamed me for almost everything, told me he hated parts of me, like how sensitive i am, how i always do what ppl around me tell me, how introverted i am and didn’t trust me bc of my past interactions with ppl I DON’T EVEN TALK TO ANYMORE… I genuinely loved him. Until he had yet another moment where he took everything out on me. I tried so hard to fix things. I didn’t wanna lose him.

At school, after classes, we were playing cards w some classmates and he called over a guy friend of his (someone who used to be my friend a long time ago but I stopped talking to bc his behavior annoyed me). My ex called him “love.”

Obviously i didn’t care much. When we were done playing and about to leave, i joked and said i knew he was gay — something I ALWAYS joke abt w him. But idk what happened bc he got way too mad this time, even tho he usually laughs it off. He replied rudely, saying i was always desperately trying to get hugs from that guy. I was like

???

Never was i desperate for that dude. I think my ex thought I had feelings for him before, which is completely wrong. I saw him like A BROTHER!! Plus, he had a gf and i respected that a lot. Even so, later on he’d only talk abt her and ignore everything i said just to talk abt her… that’s what finally made me fed up and stop talking to him.

(I should probably explain this in order, but I’m just writing things as they come to my mind, sorry!!)

Also, my ex didn’t trust me bc that guy put ideas in his head abt how i supposedly was in the past, when i was literally just a 13–14 yo kid. He was like 15–16, so yeah, older than me. Because of him, my ex thought i used him and trusted me less. I asked him to tell me what that idiot said abt me, but he said it was a “secret.” A SECRET!! THEN WHY BRING IT UP WHILE WE’RE TEXTING?? Not even at the end of our relationship did he ever tell me what that useless idiot said.

Back to the card game thing— i asked him why he said that stuff. He told me “you know why,” and i said if im asking it’s bc I DONT KNOW!! At the school entrance I went quiet bc i just wanted to snap at him. I was abt to cry, and he kept asking what was wrong. I didn’t say anything bc if i did, i’d start crying. I got home and cried. A lot.

That was just one of many moments. Then there’s the day we actually broke up.

I think that day there was a tournament. I hung out w my friend since i had nothing to do. Earlier, my ex told me he wanted to talk after school, and i instantly got a bad feeling, like a knot in my chest. When school ended and i was w him, i thought he forgot what he wanted to say bc he stayed quiet. Then his parents showed up, he looked at me and said, “we’re done.”

I was like

What.

Then he said it was a joke. I swear it felt like i was dying right there.

When i got home, i texted him explaining how i felt and that this was the 4th time he scared me like that w his “jokes.” I asked if he actually wanted to break up, and he said it was serious but that he regretted it after, i told him that wasn’t okay. He blamed me instead, saying i didn’t think abt why he did that. I asked him to tell me what i was doing wrong— yk, the logical thing.

He said he already told me a long time ago and that i didn’t listen. I asked him to tell me again and promised i’d actually do smth abt it, but he refused and said he wouldn’t repeat himself.

I told him he just wanted to keep the problem going bc he was mad, and that now that i was trying, he wasn’t. He straight up said he didn’t wanna fix things. I told him i wanted to stay by his side, but he didn’t wanna stay by mine. I had imagined being w him my whole damn life. He said he used to think that too… or that a tiny tiny part of him still does.

I asked him to tell me what was wrong w me so i could change it. He said i didn’t need to change, just “improve.” So i asked what exactly i needed to improve so he’d love me again.

I blamed myself for everything he said he didn’t like abt me. When i asked him what else he didn’t like so i could fix it, he stopped replying. Guess his anger cooled off.

I was crying and told my best friends and my cousin what was happening. They told me to break up w him bc the relationship wasn’t healthy, but i didn’t wanna.

I LOVED HIM SO MUCH. I REALLY THOUGHT I’D DIE INSIDE IF HE GO.

In the end, i did it. I sent him a long msg explaining why. If you break up w someone, you should explain it. Ghosting someone w no explanation is awful, i went thru that before and it hurt like hell.

He said if that’s what i wanted, then fine. He said we didn’t understand each other, but he never let me understand him no matter how hard i tried. He also said he’d been distancing himself bc he knew this would happen. He blamed me, saying our relationship didn’t give him time for his friends. I told him it was his responsibility to balance both— which he didn’t.

I was really sad for days, thinking abt what i could’ve done to fix things. Over time, the sadness turned into anger whenever i remember the dumb stuff he said to me.

At school we ignore each other now. Sometimes the anger is intense, even scary— but i know I’d never act on it.

I still hate him deeply.

For anyone being nosy, here’s the msg i sent when i broke up w him:

(is in spanish)

Chat